...and I'll be by your side

I've been trying to figure things out and I haven't been okay with how things have been going... I'll admit I've been angry with God for the first time in my life, I was upset with the fact that He was giving me too much to handle at one time and I couldn't figure out how to place my feet back on the ground. I tried my best not to be angry with Him, but each day I distanced myself from Him more because I truly started to believe that He didn't care.... Big mistake right there. I felt more alone then ever which wasn't what I needed...

My days went on but on June 19th when my family and I headed off to a bible conference, I was in for a surprise. I had no idea what was ahead for me or how God would humble me and remind me again that he was always and is always there right beside me. I was sitting in on one of the bible study meetings at 10:30 and the speaker came up and told us he was going to talk about "suffering" I just laughed....but had no idea that by the second message I would be broken.

The Lord knew what I was struggling with...and he knew I needed to hear the truth without any sugar coded lies. By the second message, I was sitting there trying hard not to cry because I knew I was wrong in blocking the Lord out, I knew it wasn't his fault I was hurting, I knew he loved me and was waiting to help me through the struggle of forgiving and letting go...I knew all that but I was still angry. As the pastor continued to speak the truth, of the words the Lord gave to him to say, the words I needed to hear, they broke down each wall I built up to hold my pain inside.

The last day of the conference that my family attended I found what I was looking for. I found what I had lost and needed the most in life. I sat there and pretty much prayed to God for the first time in a long time...I truly said what was on my heart. I asked him to forgive me for being so angry with him...I asked him to be my strength because I knew I could not get through the bump in the road with out his help. I knew deep down inside I needed his help to go deep back into the past to write the letter of forgiveness and I knew I couldn't do it unless he was right there beside me being my strength the whole way.

You know the bible verse that goes "For my thoughts are not your thoughts. Nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth. So are My ways higher than your ways. And my thoughts than your thoughts. I don't know why bad things happen, but I have to believe that He knows what he is doing and has a purpose through it all. His thoughts are not my thoughts and my ways are certainly not his ways. I trust that the one who loves me enough to to give me life knows what is best....and I've never felt more content or alive in my life.