Change

Well if you were to ask me two weeks ago if I was okay.. the answer would have been "sure" the truth would be "no" and only the people closest to me and a random few who could see past my fake smile knew I wasn't okay. Life has changed a lot in August. I tried hard to smile and forgive but I couldn't forgive. It was so hard... I just held all of the stress and pain inside and I moved away. I left Hampshire to help take care of my Grandma. I knew it would be hard but I guess it was all just too much change for me to handle. I mean no teen expects to heal from a broken heart... watch her best friend get married.... and also have the weight of the responsibility of making sure Grandma is comfortable and happy. Its a lot of pressure... It all was just too much stress for me to handle. Ohh but I tried.. Thanksgiving day I crashed. I literally was no fun to be around. I didn't know what to do but I knew something needed to change. I needed to just let go of the pain... forgive... and expect that it was time to grow up. No one wants to grow up at 19 though..  After a ton of prayer and frustration and writing... God finally helped me forgive the pain in my life. Letting go, helped me to see things differently. Life wasn't as crushing anymore... I felt freer. I could even listen to country music again without being sad. The next step was getting my hormones back on track. I'm on a bunch of things natural stuff... and my anxiety is getting soo much better! The natural stuff and working out at the gym help. :) Its getting easier to live here. I don't miss home as much... but now I'm excited to go back on the weekends :) It just feels good to be myself again... Yeah.. life has changed.. soo much and I can't even explain to you how tough it is... but I'm learning something through it. It's not going to be forever... I'm here to serve a higher power and right now this is where he wants me. So I'm going to praise him where I am....because he is the one that's given me life... and has made me smile when there is no reason to smile. For that I am ever grateful. :)