No More

No More

The rain outside her window--
fell hard, hitting against the glass.
ringing in her ears.
Screaming of her faults.
Memories of the past fog the midnight sky.

Tears began to fall, heavy, painful tears
Sobbing, she tried to stop
Praying she begged for peace

Each memory of the past
shot through her mind like--
a shooting star. Searing through--
her heavy heart with pain.

Her mistakes were so vivid
So clear, wishing she could go back--
to change the past. She began to cry harder.

Alone in the dark
She reached for the knife
"It only takes one swift moment--
to end this life" She thought.

Nobody would notice if she were gone.
Nobody would care.

At that moment she heard a crash.
Dropping the knife, she began to shake.
Somebody was here or was it just the wind
She called out "Hello? Is anyone there?"
But she heard nothing. She called out again.
"Please, is anyone here, please."

...and then she heard it.
"Precious, please don't cry."
She screamed out then--
"Why can't I see you!"
and the voice said--
"Because you don't believe--
Have faith in me."
and in a small voice she said...

"I'm scared...."

The secret voice then replied with--
"I know you are, but please have faith.
Take a deep breath, my child.
There is no need to be afraid, you are not alone.

My love will save you, you need not be afraid.
Can't you see my grace is sufficient for you.
Why do you reject me?"

Her voice was shaking, she couldn't see
but felt everything around her.
"I don't know, I...I just don't know."

She was hurting, she was scared,
Helpless and afraid ready to take her life
So she could feel no more, no more--
pain, or rejection, no more cutting words
So she could feel no more.

"Child of mine" whispered the voice
"I know you're hurting, I feel your pain.
I want to help you, I've always been here.
Please don't run from me. I'm here to heal."

"If you're here to heal, if you've always--
been here then why am I like this?"

"Because you've pushed me away.
You're strong and stubborn, child.
You are hurting and running from everyone
With good reason, but you need not fear me
I will never hurt you. Come home to me.
Let me heal your brokenness."

"That's just too easy! Too simple!
Life isn't like that! It isn't easy!"

"With me it is.
We'll take it one step at a time.
Every day you'll become stronger.
I'll hold your hand. I'll never leave.

Trust in me..."

"I want to...I want to" she cried.
"Wash those tears away my child.
Tonight you're life starts again.
You're free. Lets walk forward together".





I wrote "No More" after reading a book on the reason people cut. I've never been a cutter myself but I've had many friends who have fallen into this addiction thinking it helps to deal with the pain. I've wanted to understand it deeper so I read a couple stories on it. Cutting is so much more than what we think it is, the world thinks that people who cut are just looking for attention...but they aren't. Their hurting inside, there numb, they WANT to feel again or they need something that hurts more then the emotional pain... a distraction. So they cut! Millions have fallen to this and we just pity them or think..."Wow, she's stupid." but they aren't. They hurt, and the worse thing we could ever do is ignore them...or make fun of them. We should be like Jesus and love them! Help them. Be there for them. Push them through it and give them a new start. So I wrote this poem...I prolly don't have it to a "te" but I tried to understand some of the emotions you guys might be feeling, I'll never truly understand but I get it. So here is to you guys. Know you aren't alone out there. Seek for help. I'm only a phone call away. :)

Love

So I'm laying in bed, and I look out my window to see the beautiful snow that is clinging to the trees. I love this sight, its what I wait for every year....to just lay in bed and marvelous at God's beautiful creation. He's truly amazing and I'm so grateful he's my God. I've started to feel him more and more lately and he's become realer to me if that's even possible but one thing that I've learned this past year is that "God's love never disappoints." and if we are filled with him inside we won't need anything else in this world...I'm sure it would be nice but we wouldn't feel like a broken mess if we had Jesus holding us tight. :)

:) :)

Okay, so its that time a year when everyone is hurrying to finish up school before Christmas break....crammin' for finals, we hardly get any sleep at all and end up extremely crabby. Guess what! It's almost over! :) I'm excited for it to be over with and to be able to hang with my friends again. :) :) God has blessed me so much and I'm so thankful to him. I'm really greatful to have such an amazing God like him and great friends. My life has changed so much since a year ago...and you know what as painful as it was i'm glad it happened because I've seen so much more of the world and made so many great friends along the way...I grew closer to my God and learned great lessons along the way. So I'm sad last year had to happen but even with the most horrible things God can use it to be something great. :) Okay I need to get back to studying. EKKK! I'm happy.

Tired People

These past couple of months I've really worked on studying people and how they live their life. Call it creepy, call me a stalker, whatever but what I've begun to realize is how much hurt people hold inside and I think to myself. "Wow, I know how that feels." But I don't still have that hurt bottled up inside. They look so sad and hopeless as if their passion for life has been burned out. Someday I wish I could just say one thing...one thing that could bring them back but they just sit there and wallow in their own pain....continuing to do the same stuff that cut them in the first place. So I just sit there and watch them in their addiction thinking "Man, I'm glad I have a God that heals" See I may be disappoint for a day or two but I get back up again and move on. If someone knocks you down, you get back up, shack it off and finish running the race, because the worse thing you could ever do when pain comes your way is let it win. So whip away the pain in your eyes and start to smile again...take it one day at a time and I can promise you this...You are never alone through it all. He's always right beside you.

Lies

Lies

Something in your eyes kept me going
Something you said woke me up
But I should have guessed it was all a lie

All a game, all an act
I hoped for so much more
What a fool I've been

I wanted to know you
I wanted to care
why couldn't you see
the light you brought me

You painted a smile on a tired face
bringing it back to life
Your words were kind and charming
but I wasn't enough for you

I hope your happy
You've won the game
Now go ahead and collect your prize
For you have trapped me in your lies

-Poetry by Emily Bender and edited by Allison Stein

Thankful

Okay, so its thanksgiving...one of my favorite holidays ever, simply because we all come together as a family and eat really great foood. We are all thankful for everything...or at least we should be. Right? HAha no in my family. Okay, I just don't get it. For some odd reason when ever I start to care about something it gets trashed or ripped away. I really started to love thanksgiving this year and it was ruined...stuff like this happens all the time...but I shouldn't be complaining about it. I should be thanking God...because life sure could be a lot worst. So I guess I am going to stop right now and thank God for all the blessings he gives to me because even if my family is messed up and my life might not go the way I want it...at least I have a God who cares and showers his love on me every day.

Happpy Thanksgiving.

Strong Enough?

What if you were to love...to let down your walls and dare to feel. Would you later on end up on the floor cursing the day you dared or would you be thankful you decided it was worth the risk. What if you were to love. What if you decided to dare. You can only stay strong for so long before your walls break and fall down. So will you fight for love or fight against it but before you can truly love another you have to allow Jesus to love you, because without his love you'll never feel complete inside.