...and I'll be by your side

I've been trying to figure things out and I haven't been okay with how things have been going... I'll admit I've been angry with God for the first time in my life, I was upset with the fact that He was giving me too much to handle at one time and I couldn't figure out how to place my feet back on the ground. I tried my best not to be angry with Him, but each day I distanced myself from Him more because I truly started to believe that He didn't care.... Big mistake right there. I felt more alone then ever which wasn't what I needed...

My days went on but on June 19th when my family and I headed off to a bible conference, I was in for a surprise. I had no idea what was ahead for me or how God would humble me and remind me again that he was always and is always there right beside me. I was sitting in on one of the bible study meetings at 10:30 and the speaker came up and told us he was going to talk about "suffering" I just laughed....but had no idea that by the second message I would be broken.

The Lord knew what I was struggling with...and he knew I needed to hear the truth without any sugar coded lies. By the second message, I was sitting there trying hard not to cry because I knew I was wrong in blocking the Lord out, I knew it wasn't his fault I was hurting, I knew he loved me and was waiting to help me through the struggle of forgiving and letting go...I knew all that but I was still angry. As the pastor continued to speak the truth, of the words the Lord gave to him to say, the words I needed to hear, they broke down each wall I built up to hold my pain inside.

The last day of the conference that my family attended I found what I was looking for. I found what I had lost and needed the most in life. I sat there and pretty much prayed to God for the first time in a long time...I truly said what was on my heart. I asked him to forgive me for being so angry with him...I asked him to be my strength because I knew I could not get through the bump in the road with out his help. I knew deep down inside I needed his help to go deep back into the past to write the letter of forgiveness and I knew I couldn't do it unless he was right there beside me being my strength the whole way.

You know the bible verse that goes "For my thoughts are not your thoughts. Nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth. So are My ways higher than your ways. And my thoughts than your thoughts. I don't know why bad things happen, but I have to believe that He knows what he is doing and has a purpose through it all. His thoughts are not my thoughts and my ways are certainly not his ways. I trust that the one who loves me enough to to give me life knows what is best....and I've never felt more content or alive in my life.

Speechless?

I hate those moments when you have soo much to write but you feel vulnerable through it all so nothing comes out. So I guess I won't talk but instead I wanna show you guys two of my very best friends. :)



I love this girl soo much...She's my best friend. We do a lot of stupid crap together but some how we always laugh through it all...even if it means embarrassing the crap out of ourselves like the time when it was FREEZING out and we decided to dance on top of a car in a parking lot. That didn't last long. :) I love you.


Julie is pretty much my twin. For some odd reason whatever I've gone through she goes through it after I'm done... and whatever she goes through I go through after she's done...We pull each other through whatever and I know she'll always be there for me. Love you! :)

A Heartbeat

I see you there with pain upon your eyes. You regret that day you took his life away. I know inside if you could rewind the clock, you would but now you are left to heal. I have a story to share, I know it may be hard to hear but bear through because he wanted you know. His story you’ve seen before. It starts like every other one with just a single heartbeat.

With every breath comes a tiny heart beat, with every heartbeat comes another day that child, he lays inside her womb, hoping one day she’ll love him. She makes her choices, walks through those doors to have this deed be done. The Doctor asks her if she’s sure and as she nods a single tear begins to fall. This horrid deed is done. His heart beat slowly dies. He gives up, as tears roll down and he craws back to his fathers arms. Cursing the day he began to hope that he would have a place where he belonged. But then he hears a song of hope that his father begins to sing. The words reach across his soul to heal the broken bit rejection holds.

“River rinses all your shame/Father offers you
His name/Father love prepares a home/Brother
Jesus leads you on/Follow to the place where you
Belong.” (Chris Rice)

The pain resides as he decides, this melody that warms his soul has brought him back to where he belongs. One day they’ll meet and when he sees her step through the gates he’ll run to her with arms wide spread ready to give her all the love his father gave to him.

I know you’re hurting, I can see the pain within your eyes, but don’t be sad. What’s done is done. You’re child would not want to see you this way, he want you to smile and to know he’s safe and waiting for that day when you return to see his bright and smiling face and remind you that all is forgiven.

My Prayer

I wish I could say I wrote this, but I didn't. It's how I feel inside.

My Prayer

Fresh page, new pen
Where do I begin
Words fail, tears come
I need someone
To take the thoughts I almost think
And carry them to God for me

Deep breath, exhale
Breathe in deeper still
Long sigh, I’m still numb
Is there anyone
Who can find the things I’m barely feeling
And give them wings beyond my ceiling?

Right heart, wrong place
It’s too far to outer space
Sorry, I forgot, You’re right here
I cup my hands around Your ear
I feel you smile, You feel my breath
You listen while I whisper non-sense

Simple exchange
Your will, I’m changed
And now my prayer ends
Thank You, Amen

AHHH!

Wow! What a week. I graduated from my very last show in cyt. I'm kind of sad to tell you the truth. I'm gonna miss it, but most of all I'll miss my friends in cyt a lot. :(

Sooo my last week of being a highschooler... yeah I'm stressed....really stressed. I don't know how I'm going to finish I feel like the end is soo near but soo far away and I'm freaking out. Ahhhh! Prayers would be nice and help! lol No honestly SARAH! I'm gonna need your help on my final for my paper cause I'm freaking out over my bio final. Ohh gosh i'm wearing myself out just thinking about it all. I think I should go to bed. I think I'm getting sick anyways....

Confused!

I'm having this dilemma. I need money. I need a job. I also want to travel this summer. I have plans to go to NC, SD, Hawaii and MN. Yes for places. :) I'm super excited but most places don't want to hire someone who's only gonna be working for a month. Pointless right? I thought maybe I'd go back to work for my old boss but I'm kind of feeling like God says not to. I'm sooo confused! I don't know what to do. I want to say yes but I feel like he's saying "No, not this time. You don't need to go back" but how am I going to take care of myself?!?! How am I ever going to do anything this summer?!?! They said they would work around my traveling plans which is great! But I still feel like God is saying no...but then I think what if I'm hearing wrong. UGh! I need perspective...but I have a feeling I'm a little too close to the picture to see it right. :( Life is soo confusing.

On a happier note I'm only 16 days away from finishing highschool! And a couple days away from taking a placement test for college. I'm a little worried since I have to take a math one and I'm not good at math at all. :( Prayers would be nice.

A Thought

I know this is weird but sometimes I do my best thinking while I'm sitting on the toilet. lol Anyways I realized that this year has been prolly the most wearing and stressful but the least emotional....I hardly cry anymore....why? Cause there aren't any guys to tell me I'm not worth the trouble, play with my emotions to boost their ego or decide to sleep with my friend just because I say I won't sleep with them. I haven't had a serious guy in my life since the end of last summer. Do you guys understand how freeing it has been? I'm not a emotional train wreck and I can also live my life. I wanna see if I can make it a year. lol Crazy I know but honestly, i'm young. I'm gonna live life and go to college and just have fun with friends. This year as stressful as its been its shown me a lot! :)