No One

I totally meant this poem to be for my best friend who's going through a rough time with a break up but for some odd reason when I was writing it out my mood totally switched and I started feeling the pain of a young girl I know who cuts. Its a short poem but It speaks the truth. So often people struggle and ask for no help and we just walk past them leaving them to fight their battle alone. :(

Wanders

In the corner she cries
All crumpled and scared
Alone in the dark
with no one to care

This pain is too heavy--
to carry alone but no one--
will notice the scars she hides
and so it is, she wanders alone.

Merry Christmas

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

Its beginning to look a lot like....

CHRISTMAS! :) Its almost here and we're all ready to walk up in the morning to open our presents and give some to others yet in the rush we almost forget what Christmas is really about. Its sad really because Christmas is Jesus' Birthday. We should be remembering him and praising him because if he was never born then we'd all still be stained with sin instead of washed with the blood of Christ. So tomorrow while your unwrapping one of your gifts remember that Jesus loved you enough to give you the gift of life. So Merry Christmas everyone! :)

One Day

So here's the thing: I just don't get it. Why is it that the girls always tend to get screwed over. Yeah yeah I know...you boys have feelings too and you get hurt alright but honestly I feel like its just the girls who get played or used to boost the mans ego. Okay, maybe I haven't found the right one but I've certainly run into a ton of guys who tend to use me to boost up there ego.

I'm so tired of playing the game. i'm sick of playing by their rules. Who ever said that they were in charge. Who ever decided they could tell us who we are. It doesn't matter if you aren't skinny enough. Who gives a crap what they say. They say "don't be too fat, or too thin, or too dark, or too light; don't be too sexual, or too chaste, or too smart, or too dumb." What the heck! What do they want. Do they even know? or do they just want someone to pump their ego for them. Well I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the disappointments and the late nights where I wonder where I went wrong or why they didn't want me. There is no reason for me to waste my time over a guy who decided in his mind that I or you weren't worth it. I can't tell you how many late nights I spent crying or long car rides where I just drove and drove with tears runnning down my eyes because I thought I screwed up.

The year of 2010 is almost up and I had two guys in my life who meant something. First one meant a lot to me but after a couple months told me I wasn't worth the trouble. Second guy happened about four months ago. He played me...that one didn't hurt as much I just wish I had known better. I mean for real when a guy asks you where you stand on sex before marriage what are you suppose to think? Welp I was dumb and just ignored it. HAHA jokes on me. I wasn't as hurt the second time around. I was disappointed but I can tell you I only spent about two nights of tears on that loser. The second time wouldn't have even happened if I wasn't extremely sick and had missed out on a bunch of parties I had planed, but my point is why in the world do we allow boys to control our emotions. Why do we let them get inside our head and tell us that we aren't worth it or we aren't pretty enough....They have no right to control you that way. You were created by God...and he made you perfect in the perfect way that he wanted you to be. Believe that, don't listen to what guys say about you....trust me it will still happen. I've had plenty other things said about me that are really bad, but i'm not going to allow them to control me and belittle me. I'm gonna stay strong. Sure I may be disappointed for a little bit because rejection hurts but you know what... after a storm their is always a beautiful rainbow and "the important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home." So come back home and be the best version of yourself that you can be! Shine bright like a firework! because one day a boy is going to come and whisk you off your feet and make you forget about all the other rejection you felt. One day it will all be worth it. I promise.

Comfort

I really needed to read these verses today and maybe one of you guys needs it too...so here they are.



Proverbs 3:5

Lamentations 3:25

Romans 8:28 (one of my favorites)

Philippians 1:6 (It gives you hope...that you have a purpose)

Hebrew 4:16

Matthew 14:29-31 (this one makes me smile...to know that Jesus will catch us when we fall)

Titus 3:4-6 (thats how much he loved us)

Lamentations 3:22-24

Lay it Down

I feel like I've just learned a life lesson within the span of two weeks. Funny how that works, right. I'm so worn out from fighting, so tired of tears, so sick of not trusting but these past two weeks have taught me a lot and I pray I'll never forget it but learn to fall harder into the arms that created me.

Life lessons can be difficult to learn and some of them are just plain easy...Lord knows I've had my share of both but this one, I'd say was somewhere stuck in the middle of difficult and easy. I guess I'll have to share a little about the last two weeks with you for you to fully understand. I bet that would make all this ramble a tad bit easier for you to understand. hehe.

Well I have this choice to make...and there are some people in my life who don't agree with me. Its rough because I want to do whats right by them but I don't know how to show them the truth. I've spent many nights frustrated over this issue. I've prayed about it but I never really got an answer or even felt peace over the matter like I usually do. I spent two weeks banging my head against the wall because I had no control over the problem and to most of you, two weeks might sound like a very short time and in reality it is, but my two weeks felt like months...and months of no peace and no direction. No fun. I can tell you that much but last night I finally just flopped down on my bed after a long, long tiring day. I turned my ipod on to my comfort play list and just lay in the dark looking at the moon and stars. Finally the answer I'd been looking for came to me. It was soo simple. I feel so dumb for not hearing it before but it was right there plain and simple before my eyes. It was one word....one word painted out in big letters before me. "TRUST" and that was it. five letters. "TRUST" five simple letters that I just needed to obey. Now I've always had a difficult time with trusting so its no wonder I didn't catch it the first time. I've always felt that I needed to be in control of every situation otherwise I'd get hurt and we couldn't have that. "TRUST" five simple words but probably by far the hardest thing for me to ever learn. Yet there it was "TRUST" laying out be for me....and I thought..."God is asking me to trust in him....he's asking me to give him control and just lay back and relax. Let him take care of it. Let him change the hearts of the people who didn't see the truth". So why not, why not stop stressing over this problem when I didn't have to, why not just give it to my God who has always taken care of me. Its not like he wants to hurt me. He wants the best for me! There is this one song called "Lay it Down" by Jaci Velasquez. I haven't listened to her in forever but whenever I do I feel myself being drawn closer to God. Her lyrics are so true and pure here are a couple verses from a song that really explain everything I've been through the past two weeks...

I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don’t think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

Chorus
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

The chorus pretty much explains what came over me last night. I decided it was time to lay it down for God to take care of and when I did, I felt so much peace. So I hope I never forget this lesson and always remember when life gets rough again that God loves me and wants what's best for me...I just need to trust in him. I pray that in all I do people will see Jesus in my reflection.

Talking to the Moon

"I'm talking to the moon, trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too or am I a fool. Who sits alone talking to the moon..."

This song is so sweet. Its pretty, calming and very true. Do you ever find yourself just laying in bed looking up at the stars and seeing the moon out there thinking that somewhere else someone sees the same moon. Maybe you don't but I do. My bed is lays out just right so that I can see everything in the midnight sky. I love it. So I love this song because its perfect and it reminds me of someone.

No More

No More

The rain outside her window--
fell hard, hitting against the glass.
ringing in her ears.
Screaming of her faults.
Memories of the past fog the midnight sky.

Tears began to fall, heavy, painful tears
Sobbing, she tried to stop
Praying she begged for peace

Each memory of the past
shot through her mind like--
a shooting star. Searing through--
her heavy heart with pain.

Her mistakes were so vivid
So clear, wishing she could go back--
to change the past. She began to cry harder.

Alone in the dark
She reached for the knife
"It only takes one swift moment--
to end this life" She thought.

Nobody would notice if she were gone.
Nobody would care.

At that moment she heard a crash.
Dropping the knife, she began to shake.
Somebody was here or was it just the wind
She called out "Hello? Is anyone there?"
But she heard nothing. She called out again.
"Please, is anyone here, please."

...and then she heard it.
"Precious, please don't cry."
She screamed out then--
"Why can't I see you!"
and the voice said--
"Because you don't believe--
Have faith in me."
and in a small voice she said...

"I'm scared...."

The secret voice then replied with--
"I know you are, but please have faith.
Take a deep breath, my child.
There is no need to be afraid, you are not alone.

My love will save you, you need not be afraid.
Can't you see my grace is sufficient for you.
Why do you reject me?"

Her voice was shaking, she couldn't see
but felt everything around her.
"I don't know, I...I just don't know."

She was hurting, she was scared,
Helpless and afraid ready to take her life
So she could feel no more, no more--
pain, or rejection, no more cutting words
So she could feel no more.

"Child of mine" whispered the voice
"I know you're hurting, I feel your pain.
I want to help you, I've always been here.
Please don't run from me. I'm here to heal."

"If you're here to heal, if you've always--
been here then why am I like this?"

"Because you've pushed me away.
You're strong and stubborn, child.
You are hurting and running from everyone
With good reason, but you need not fear me
I will never hurt you. Come home to me.
Let me heal your brokenness."

"That's just too easy! Too simple!
Life isn't like that! It isn't easy!"

"With me it is.
We'll take it one step at a time.
Every day you'll become stronger.
I'll hold your hand. I'll never leave.

Trust in me..."

"I want to...I want to" she cried.
"Wash those tears away my child.
Tonight you're life starts again.
You're free. Lets walk forward together".





I wrote "No More" after reading a book on the reason people cut. I've never been a cutter myself but I've had many friends who have fallen into this addiction thinking it helps to deal with the pain. I've wanted to understand it deeper so I read a couple stories on it. Cutting is so much more than what we think it is, the world thinks that people who cut are just looking for attention...but they aren't. Their hurting inside, there numb, they WANT to feel again or they need something that hurts more then the emotional pain... a distraction. So they cut! Millions have fallen to this and we just pity them or think..."Wow, she's stupid." but they aren't. They hurt, and the worse thing we could ever do is ignore them...or make fun of them. We should be like Jesus and love them! Help them. Be there for them. Push them through it and give them a new start. So I wrote this poem...I prolly don't have it to a "te" but I tried to understand some of the emotions you guys might be feeling, I'll never truly understand but I get it. So here is to you guys. Know you aren't alone out there. Seek for help. I'm only a phone call away. :)

Love

So I'm laying in bed, and I look out my window to see the beautiful snow that is clinging to the trees. I love this sight, its what I wait for every year....to just lay in bed and marvelous at God's beautiful creation. He's truly amazing and I'm so grateful he's my God. I've started to feel him more and more lately and he's become realer to me if that's even possible but one thing that I've learned this past year is that "God's love never disappoints." and if we are filled with him inside we won't need anything else in this world...I'm sure it would be nice but we wouldn't feel like a broken mess if we had Jesus holding us tight. :)

:) :)

Okay, so its that time a year when everyone is hurrying to finish up school before Christmas break....crammin' for finals, we hardly get any sleep at all and end up extremely crabby. Guess what! It's almost over! :) I'm excited for it to be over with and to be able to hang with my friends again. :) :) God has blessed me so much and I'm so thankful to him. I'm really greatful to have such an amazing God like him and great friends. My life has changed so much since a year ago...and you know what as painful as it was i'm glad it happened because I've seen so much more of the world and made so many great friends along the way...I grew closer to my God and learned great lessons along the way. So I'm sad last year had to happen but even with the most horrible things God can use it to be something great. :) Okay I need to get back to studying. EKKK! I'm happy.

Tired People

These past couple of months I've really worked on studying people and how they live their life. Call it creepy, call me a stalker, whatever but what I've begun to realize is how much hurt people hold inside and I think to myself. "Wow, I know how that feels." But I don't still have that hurt bottled up inside. They look so sad and hopeless as if their passion for life has been burned out. Someday I wish I could just say one thing...one thing that could bring them back but they just sit there and wallow in their own pain....continuing to do the same stuff that cut them in the first place. So I just sit there and watch them in their addiction thinking "Man, I'm glad I have a God that heals" See I may be disappoint for a day or two but I get back up again and move on. If someone knocks you down, you get back up, shack it off and finish running the race, because the worse thing you could ever do when pain comes your way is let it win. So whip away the pain in your eyes and start to smile again...take it one day at a time and I can promise you this...You are never alone through it all. He's always right beside you.

Lies

Lies

Something in your eyes kept me going
Something you said woke me up
But I should have guessed it was all a lie

All a game, all an act
I hoped for so much more
What a fool I've been

I wanted to know you
I wanted to care
why couldn't you see
the light you brought me

You painted a smile on a tired face
bringing it back to life
Your words were kind and charming
but I wasn't enough for you

I hope your happy
You've won the game
Now go ahead and collect your prize
For you have trapped me in your lies

-Poetry by Emily Bender and edited by Allison Stein

Thankful

Okay, so its thanksgiving...one of my favorite holidays ever, simply because we all come together as a family and eat really great foood. We are all thankful for everything...or at least we should be. Right? HAha no in my family. Okay, I just don't get it. For some odd reason when ever I start to care about something it gets trashed or ripped away. I really started to love thanksgiving this year and it was ruined...stuff like this happens all the time...but I shouldn't be complaining about it. I should be thanking God...because life sure could be a lot worst. So I guess I am going to stop right now and thank God for all the blessings he gives to me because even if my family is messed up and my life might not go the way I want it...at least I have a God who cares and showers his love on me every day.

Happpy Thanksgiving.

Strong Enough?

What if you were to love...to let down your walls and dare to feel. Would you later on end up on the floor cursing the day you dared or would you be thankful you decided it was worth the risk. What if you were to love. What if you decided to dare. You can only stay strong for so long before your walls break and fall down. So will you fight for love or fight against it but before you can truly love another you have to allow Jesus to love you, because without his love you'll never feel complete inside.

The World

So as a baby you are innocent and know nothing of this world...but give yourself a couple years and you start to figure out what pain is...give yourself a couple more years and you realize what happiness is and than in a second your whole world falls apart or your best friend world falls apart and you try your best to hold them together.
Its rough growing up...you start seeing the world for what it really is...its harsh and mean and its difficult to find the beauty and love in the darkness...but you gotta try...cause even though this world is heartless and you realize that more and more every day doesn't mean give up...it means search harder! Try your best and be happy. Find the good in this broken world. Use uplifting words and pray....because truth is its the best thing you can do. So you might not be innocent anymore...you prolly see the world in all its wonderful colors but don't let that bring you down! Grow and face the world. Tell it "I don't care what you throw my way...I ain't backing down!" and don't. Stand your ground, stand in Christ. Be strong and have an uplifting mood because that can kill the worse of your enemies.

Life is Short

Have you ever heard the saying..."Life is short" people say it all the time but no one ever listens. We all take life for granted...wasting away our time as if it grows on trees.

Today I was informed that a family friend of ours son died a couple days ago serving our country. He was only 20 with a wife and a one year old daughter. I don't know if its just because I've been so stressed and emotional lately or what but hearing this news has made me feel so helpless. There is nothing I can do for this family besides pray. I wish I could do more. Like he did.
I know time will go on and wounds will heal but not fully. People lie when they say time heals. It doesn't. It still hurts and always will hurt. It might not hurt as much but there will be days where you'll remember and the pain will return. Pray for the Stalk family and their son. Pray for peace and live your life. Remember James and what a man of God he was. He lived his life for Jesus and died serving our country. So if at this moment your sitting around not doing what you know you should be...get up and start. Begin your life. Live it because we don't live forever.

Yellow

Its the weekend and school is finished, work is over and its time to relax and only think of myself. Only myself…only myself.

Sounds a bit selfish don't you think. So a couple days ago I received this invite to a group that was made in honor of many people who have committed suicide. Everyone wore yellow in honor of anyone who has ever taken their life because they felt there was nothing left to do. I decided I would honor them by wearing yellow today and painting a yellow line across my cheeks. Many people asked me what the purpose of the yellow was, it was a difficult answer for me to give because many people think suicide is a selfish act. I finally came up with a responds that was kind and truthful, it did not look down upon the people who died yet did not justify what they did…my responds was understanding. What I told the people who asked was simply this "I wear yellow in honor of many people who have committed suicide and to remind myself that if I reach out to others and listen that maybe I can save one more life from a horrible choice." We do not wear yellow in honor of people who took their own life but to remember that we need to reach out to others.

We spend so much of our time thinking "eww that person is weird, I don't want them being my friend" but maybe if we got to know that person....maybe we would realize that they need us....we could save so many lost souls if we would just reach out to others in this world. God didn't create us to be selfish and live only for ourselves but to live for others and so we could show Jesus's love through us. WE are HERE to serve others and let God's love live through us. How many times do I need to say that until everyone and myself realize it. We are HERE to serve! Don't be selfish people, reach out, love and help others. Save one more life.

A LIfe Behind the Scenes

Emily Bender
9/28/10
A Life Behind the Scenes

Grief is like a forest. It's dark and deep, twisting around you, never yielding to your pleads and with permission it may cripple you. Samuel Langhorne Clemens is also known as Mark Twain. His story is beyond anything you might think; because he was talented and gifted in many areas. He seemed to have it all together but behind the curtains, the stage and story telling lived a man of many regret, full of bitterness and unyielding hatred towards his creator.

God on the other hand, seemed to despise Clemens, or so he thought. Samuel believed that everything that went wrong in his life was somehow God’s fault. If only he knew that much of the time he spent blaming God he could have spent praising and thanking him for the people he did have left in his life, but when tragedy strikes at such a young age it is hard to see the positive in negative situations. At a very young age, Samuel’s father was struck ill and died shortly after. The boy was taken out of school and made to work to support the family. His lack of education did not hinder Samuel at all. He was a stubborn young man, who was determined to become someone great but before Clemens pursued a career, he fell in love with a young girl from an upstanding Christian family, who were strong in their faith. Samuel knew how they felt towards God and pretended that he loved and honored the Lord as well so that he would be able to marry Olivia. The family consented and the two young lovers were soon married. During the first fifteen years of marriage, the couple was insanely happy. Clemens than pursued a career in writing and they settled down to have a family.


If life were easy, Samuel would have wished that things would always stay the same, but life isn’t easy and is by far fair. From the very beginning Clemens hated God, and his relationship with him was far from perfect. Since Samuel pretended to love God, but truly didn’t, the truth was bound to come out sooner or later. Olivia Langdon’s faith was strong but wasn’t strong enough to influenced her husband. It was his unbelief that took Olivia from the path of God, which made her give up her belief altogether.
After God was completely out of their life, change came upon them, not all bad at first. Clemens accomplished many great things and all his hard work paid, but the fame he had wasn’t enough and he needed more. He also needed more money. He pushed himself to become better, and to accomplish more in terms of writing books, and he took more opportunities to go on the road and speak. These choices brought him farther away from his family. He lost many special moments, which he would never again get back.

Fame, wealth, and love may be great but grief out does everyone of them. Grief has the power to consume a person as it did to Twain, and death followed him around. The world seemed unfair. Taking everything from him that he held so dear. While on a tour for his books, Twains favorite daughter died of meningitis, not being able to be there with her greatly deepened his bitterness. He never recovered from such a lost and shortly following was his wife and second daughter who died. All Twain had left was his last girl. He became frustrated, which helped increase his sorrows.

Bankruptcy hit him hard and his health also began to weaken. Everything seemed to be falling apart in Mark Twains world, and the person he blamed for it all was God and Adam. He writes in the 1890’s

“Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is,
Knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam,
The first great benefactor of our race. He brought death
into the world.” (Twain 1).

Clemens was miserable. His wish and only hope was death. He allowed everything to pull him down under. Nothing but death could comfort him now. His last wish was to at least see Halley’s comet appear once more in the sky. It appeared the day of his birth in 1835 and in time it also reappeared in 1910 the year of his death. Mark Twain was a beloved and famous author. His works will always be remembered for their humor and blunt remarks. All may not remember his life behind the stage but those who do will pay heed to the grief and bitterness he allowed to devour him alive.

A Death

Many of you might have heard of the girl from NIU who was going out for a walk late one night and never returned back to her dorm. Her name was Toni Keller. A Freshman at NIU and only 18 years old. She was suppose to come home that weekend and when her family didn't hear word from her they contacted the authorities. A search went out and at least a week later remains of a human body were found in a park nearby the campus. They still have no idea to weather the body is Toni's or someone else's.

Hearing this story and many others like it has really opened my mind to the reality of the world and how cruel it can be. There are many stories out there just like Kellers, just think maybe that could have been you or even worse...someone you knew. You, and everyone else need to be careful to where you go and even who you hang out with, evil is everywhere. I remember having a talk with my boss last night. His daughter walked in and goes "Where you tracking me again??" I kinda laughed because he has a tracker on everyone of his kids. Sounds craazy and over controlling right? I used to think so but I don't anymore. After hearing about Toni I started thinking what if that happened to one of my girls I nanny, what if their family had to go through a thing like that. Its awful. That would be a horrible thing to deal with, so even if it sounds crazy that he tracks them its for their own safety. They should be thankful there father loves them enough to take care of them and protect them.

So I guess I'm done with my little ramble but be aware of these things. Thank care of your family members. Pray for those who have gone missing and the families who have lost a loved one and also pray for the Keller family.

A Dream

I've lost my passion for life. It just isn't there anymore. I'm not sure where it went. I've checked the lost and found and even tried under the bed but its still nowhere to be found. If any of you may happen across it please return it to a Miss Emily Bender Hampshire IL, Thanks.

Is it possible to get so caught up in the world that you get stuck in the motions. Is it possible for a single soul to have it all and still feel completely lost. Where have the dreams and big hopes gone to, why has this darkness of never endingness been suffocating me for so long. I want to scream "Go away bad dream boo! Leave me be!" yet I turn and nothing has let up. I'm still in the same damn motions I was in the night before and the night before that. Where did my dream go....sometimes I ask myself "did I even have one" Soo I guess where back to where we started when I first sat down to write. Nothing. I've gotton nowhere and you've probably wasted time reading this but maybe if you need to take anything out of this blog it would be to not let anywhere crush your dreams. Not even yourself. Live it. Go for it, dive in head first. :) IF you have faith in yourself you'll make it out there.

Keep the light burning. Always.

Maybe one day I'll take my own advice. We'll see. Until next time keep moving forward and don't get stuck in the motions. It isn't wroth it.

Broken Girl by Matthew West with lyrics

A Place to Hide

...I could hide behind my books, my music and dance. I could even hide on stage but when it comes right down to it and I'm alone.. when the darkness closes in all around me and nothing is left to hind behind... you're memory comes back to haunt me.

Let it Roll

Its taken me four months to write this but its finally come to me.. not the best but its a work in progress...

Let it Roll

A hundred thousand pieces
scattered cross the floor
broken bits that once were hole.

Its hard to find the beauty in this broken mess
and harder to find the confront tonight
Feeling all alone broken and torn
you left me hanging and all through a text

I guess its so, people always leave
just never though it'd be you
How am I suppose to carry on--
when you were the one to keep me going

Life's a funny little thing don't cha think?
It gives and takes as it pleases
never once askin' you how you feel about that.

Guess you gotta take the good with the bad
and roll right along with every punch
don't let 'em see the pain in your eyes
fight hard and give it your best

remember we're gonna fake it til we make
and that's how we do it...
we let it roll right off our back.