Sometimes it Hurts...

But you just gotta remember God knows best and never wants to see you sad. He wants to see you grow and become you're very best.

Get Back Up

I gotta start all over again....gotta figure it all out once again. Feels like all I've been doing is trippin' over myself but I know you have a reason for it all and in time I'll see that rainbow again. I'm gonna keep moving cause falling behind isn't a choice. You're purpose will be made known some day and I'll understand why you don't want me to work at camp but until then it's nothin but a chin up and making planes once again.

Keep Singing

As I'm laying in bed tonight some of my music comes on and one of the song is called "Keep Singing" Its a beautiful song and very encouraging. Its talks about life and how it can go so wrong but you gotta keep singing you gotta keep praising your name....because thats the only way I find healing and I'm reminded of all the times God has healed me in the past and has lifted me up when no one else could. I'm living because of him and I can believe that he knows best even if I feel like I'm playing "marco polo" lol... He's everything I need and I'll keep singing because he knows best and has never failed me. :) Thank you guys for praying for me and being there when I had a hard time seeing straight. It means a lot to have good friends and I'm very grateful.

Lay it Down

I've been lookin' till my eyes are tired of lookin'
Listenin' till my ears are numb from listenin'
Prayin' till my knees are sore from kneelin' on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin'
I'm running out of tears and my will is breakin'
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin' through my folded hands


So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go,
I'm gonna lay it down.

Verse:
I've been walkin' through this world like I'm barely livin'
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been diggin'
But You're pullin' me out
I'm finally breathin' in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seein'
There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believin'
That the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Unanswered Prayers

You plan you're life around a dream and when that dream doesn't come true you have to go find another dream, but what if you don't have anymore dreams....what if you've used them all up to keep yourself going. What then? I planed my summer to work at camp, I filled out everything I needed to fill out, went through the stress of getting all my references filled out and double checking on them and when finally it was all done I was told to wait til March. I waited....and waited....and waited. March is almost over and yet I never heard from them....Guess I'm gonna have to find another way to spend my summer cause it doesn't look like I'll be working at camp. I try to believe that God has his hands in all this but nothing I've planed on or decided on has been going the way it should. Camp isn't working out, culinary art school isn't either and I'm jobless. I guess the jobless part is my own fault but I can't see any reason God wouldn't want me to work at camp or he wouldn't answer any of my other prayers. I have a list that runs long of answered prayers and I know they say..."To thank God for unanswered prayers" but I don't see what's wrong with these that I pray...I would think this is what he wants for my life but I don't know anything anymore...I don't know what he wants for me....and he isn't sharing with me so I feel like I'm in a dark room with a blind fold on trying to figure out where the door is. I'm beginning to think there isn't a door. I wanna have faith, I know God loves me and wants what's best for me but it's hard when everything you once believed in let's you down and nothing you hope for comes true.

You know that song by the Barlow girls called "Never Alone" ? As I was writing this it started to play and most of the time when I hear it...it reminds me that I'm not alone in anything and God is right there beside me but it didn't have that effect on me today....they just felt like words. I feel like a hopeless child who lost her faith in the good of the world, but the worlds keep playing in my mind and I wanna believe that He's here with me but I can't... I'm not feeling it....The lyrics read as....

I waited for you today (and I have)
But you didn't show (but he hasn't)
No no no
I needed You today (The Lord knows I do)
So where did You go? (Where?)
You told me to call
Said You'd be there (I can't feel him)
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply (tried this one too)
And I can't feel You by my side (not at all)
So I'll hold tight to what I know (I'm trying)
You're here and I"m never alone (They say its true but I can't feel it)

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance (I wanna feel the reassurance)
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I wanna trust the unseen and I know apart of me still does but I don't get why he'll answer other peoples prayers and my prayers for them but he won't answer mine. What is so wrong with me asking to work at a Christian camp, what is so wrong with me asking that my family stops fighting, or that I would have done well at my song...noo but I screwed that one up.... I'm most likely not working at camp and my family fights more than they used to. Guess prayer just made that one worse. I just don't get it.

Yours truly, the girl with unanswered prayers
p.s. I think I've tried so long to hold it all in but I'm frustrated and sad...and lost to what God wants. I'm not angry with him....I'm just sad.

Please Pray for Me?

I have auditions tomorrow at 6:40pm. I would love it if you all could pray for me. I know I can sing the song. I've done it flawlessly before but sometimes I get soo freaked out I mess it up and switch the lyrics around or I miss my timing...please pray I can do my best for God and not kick myself when its over. I always end up kicking myself over everything. Please pray. Thanks.

Just Keep Trying

I have auditions coming up this friday and I picked a song that has attitude and shows respect for one selves... but its such a stretch for me because I've never sang a song where you HARDLY ever take any breathes! I mean I honestly just sing the song through.... a whole minute...and it was hard for me at first but I worked at it every day this week for at least 2 hours...and finally today when I was about ready to give up I remembered that if you want anything in life you have to be willing to work hard for it. Soo I kept singing...and singing...and singing...and singing and listening and listening and listening until I wanted to give up again but then my brother came in and told me I've improved soo much and that helped. Because I realized that each time I Sang it I was improving and that my hard work is beginning to pay off.

Please pray for me this friday all day. I'm going to need it. ITs my last show and I wanna make it count.

Selfish People.

So I used to work for this lady but I ended up quitting for many reasons but I told her I could come over sometimes and work if she ever really needed me and last night I went over there. I spent 8 and a half hours there. which means I should have made 85 dollars... i even did laundry and cleaned. Ohh did I forget to mention they have lice and she just "forgot" to let me know... anyways the point is...she didn't pay me for my whole time. She paid me a 60 bucks. Wth. I was soo tired and soo pissed off I didn't say anything but I should have and I'm going to now because I gotta start standing up for myself now otherwise people will walk all over me all the time. Soo I'm gonna text her and telll her...just that. I'm sick of it...and I'm not working for her anymore. She's not helping me out....she's only pissing me off.