No One

I totally meant this poem to be for my best friend who's going through a rough time with a break up but for some odd reason when I was writing it out my mood totally switched and I started feeling the pain of a young girl I know who cuts. Its a short poem but It speaks the truth. So often people struggle and ask for no help and we just walk past them leaving them to fight their battle alone. :(

Wanders

In the corner she cries
All crumpled and scared
Alone in the dark
with no one to care

This pain is too heavy--
to carry alone but no one--
will notice the scars she hides
and so it is, she wanders alone.

Merry Christmas

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

Its beginning to look a lot like....

CHRISTMAS! :) Its almost here and we're all ready to walk up in the morning to open our presents and give some to others yet in the rush we almost forget what Christmas is really about. Its sad really because Christmas is Jesus' Birthday. We should be remembering him and praising him because if he was never born then we'd all still be stained with sin instead of washed with the blood of Christ. So tomorrow while your unwrapping one of your gifts remember that Jesus loved you enough to give you the gift of life. So Merry Christmas everyone! :)

One Day

So here's the thing: I just don't get it. Why is it that the girls always tend to get screwed over. Yeah yeah I know...you boys have feelings too and you get hurt alright but honestly I feel like its just the girls who get played or used to boost the mans ego. Okay, maybe I haven't found the right one but I've certainly run into a ton of guys who tend to use me to boost up there ego.

I'm so tired of playing the game. i'm sick of playing by their rules. Who ever said that they were in charge. Who ever decided they could tell us who we are. It doesn't matter if you aren't skinny enough. Who gives a crap what they say. They say "don't be too fat, or too thin, or too dark, or too light; don't be too sexual, or too chaste, or too smart, or too dumb." What the heck! What do they want. Do they even know? or do they just want someone to pump their ego for them. Well I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the disappointments and the late nights where I wonder where I went wrong or why they didn't want me. There is no reason for me to waste my time over a guy who decided in his mind that I or you weren't worth it. I can't tell you how many late nights I spent crying or long car rides where I just drove and drove with tears runnning down my eyes because I thought I screwed up.

The year of 2010 is almost up and I had two guys in my life who meant something. First one meant a lot to me but after a couple months told me I wasn't worth the trouble. Second guy happened about four months ago. He played me...that one didn't hurt as much I just wish I had known better. I mean for real when a guy asks you where you stand on sex before marriage what are you suppose to think? Welp I was dumb and just ignored it. HAHA jokes on me. I wasn't as hurt the second time around. I was disappointed but I can tell you I only spent about two nights of tears on that loser. The second time wouldn't have even happened if I wasn't extremely sick and had missed out on a bunch of parties I had planed, but my point is why in the world do we allow boys to control our emotions. Why do we let them get inside our head and tell us that we aren't worth it or we aren't pretty enough....They have no right to control you that way. You were created by God...and he made you perfect in the perfect way that he wanted you to be. Believe that, don't listen to what guys say about you....trust me it will still happen. I've had plenty other things said about me that are really bad, but i'm not going to allow them to control me and belittle me. I'm gonna stay strong. Sure I may be disappointed for a little bit because rejection hurts but you know what... after a storm their is always a beautiful rainbow and "the important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home." So come back home and be the best version of yourself that you can be! Shine bright like a firework! because one day a boy is going to come and whisk you off your feet and make you forget about all the other rejection you felt. One day it will all be worth it. I promise.

Comfort

I really needed to read these verses today and maybe one of you guys needs it too...so here they are.



Proverbs 3:5

Lamentations 3:25

Romans 8:28 (one of my favorites)

Philippians 1:6 (It gives you hope...that you have a purpose)

Hebrew 4:16

Matthew 14:29-31 (this one makes me smile...to know that Jesus will catch us when we fall)

Titus 3:4-6 (thats how much he loved us)

Lamentations 3:22-24

Lay it Down

I feel like I've just learned a life lesson within the span of two weeks. Funny how that works, right. I'm so worn out from fighting, so tired of tears, so sick of not trusting but these past two weeks have taught me a lot and I pray I'll never forget it but learn to fall harder into the arms that created me.

Life lessons can be difficult to learn and some of them are just plain easy...Lord knows I've had my share of both but this one, I'd say was somewhere stuck in the middle of difficult and easy. I guess I'll have to share a little about the last two weeks with you for you to fully understand. I bet that would make all this ramble a tad bit easier for you to understand. hehe.

Well I have this choice to make...and there are some people in my life who don't agree with me. Its rough because I want to do whats right by them but I don't know how to show them the truth. I've spent many nights frustrated over this issue. I've prayed about it but I never really got an answer or even felt peace over the matter like I usually do. I spent two weeks banging my head against the wall because I had no control over the problem and to most of you, two weeks might sound like a very short time and in reality it is, but my two weeks felt like months...and months of no peace and no direction. No fun. I can tell you that much but last night I finally just flopped down on my bed after a long, long tiring day. I turned my ipod on to my comfort play list and just lay in the dark looking at the moon and stars. Finally the answer I'd been looking for came to me. It was soo simple. I feel so dumb for not hearing it before but it was right there plain and simple before my eyes. It was one word....one word painted out in big letters before me. "TRUST" and that was it. five letters. "TRUST" five simple letters that I just needed to obey. Now I've always had a difficult time with trusting so its no wonder I didn't catch it the first time. I've always felt that I needed to be in control of every situation otherwise I'd get hurt and we couldn't have that. "TRUST" five simple words but probably by far the hardest thing for me to ever learn. Yet there it was "TRUST" laying out be for me....and I thought..."God is asking me to trust in him....he's asking me to give him control and just lay back and relax. Let him take care of it. Let him change the hearts of the people who didn't see the truth". So why not, why not stop stressing over this problem when I didn't have to, why not just give it to my God who has always taken care of me. Its not like he wants to hurt me. He wants the best for me! There is this one song called "Lay it Down" by Jaci Velasquez. I haven't listened to her in forever but whenever I do I feel myself being drawn closer to God. Her lyrics are so true and pure here are a couple verses from a song that really explain everything I've been through the past two weeks...

I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don’t think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

Chorus
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

The chorus pretty much explains what came over me last night. I decided it was time to lay it down for God to take care of and when I did, I felt so much peace. So I hope I never forget this lesson and always remember when life gets rough again that God loves me and wants what's best for me...I just need to trust in him. I pray that in all I do people will see Jesus in my reflection.

Talking to the Moon

"I'm talking to the moon, trying to get to you. In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too or am I a fool. Who sits alone talking to the moon..."

This song is so sweet. Its pretty, calming and very true. Do you ever find yourself just laying in bed looking up at the stars and seeing the moon out there thinking that somewhere else someone sees the same moon. Maybe you don't but I do. My bed is lays out just right so that I can see everything in the midnight sky. I love it. So I love this song because its perfect and it reminds me of someone.

No More

No More

The rain outside her window--
fell hard, hitting against the glass.
ringing in her ears.
Screaming of her faults.
Memories of the past fog the midnight sky.

Tears began to fall, heavy, painful tears
Sobbing, she tried to stop
Praying she begged for peace

Each memory of the past
shot through her mind like--
a shooting star. Searing through--
her heavy heart with pain.

Her mistakes were so vivid
So clear, wishing she could go back--
to change the past. She began to cry harder.

Alone in the dark
She reached for the knife
"It only takes one swift moment--
to end this life" She thought.

Nobody would notice if she were gone.
Nobody would care.

At that moment she heard a crash.
Dropping the knife, she began to shake.
Somebody was here or was it just the wind
She called out "Hello? Is anyone there?"
But she heard nothing. She called out again.
"Please, is anyone here, please."

...and then she heard it.
"Precious, please don't cry."
She screamed out then--
"Why can't I see you!"
and the voice said--
"Because you don't believe--
Have faith in me."
and in a small voice she said...

"I'm scared...."

The secret voice then replied with--
"I know you are, but please have faith.
Take a deep breath, my child.
There is no need to be afraid, you are not alone.

My love will save you, you need not be afraid.
Can't you see my grace is sufficient for you.
Why do you reject me?"

Her voice was shaking, she couldn't see
but felt everything around her.
"I don't know, I...I just don't know."

She was hurting, she was scared,
Helpless and afraid ready to take her life
So she could feel no more, no more--
pain, or rejection, no more cutting words
So she could feel no more.

"Child of mine" whispered the voice
"I know you're hurting, I feel your pain.
I want to help you, I've always been here.
Please don't run from me. I'm here to heal."

"If you're here to heal, if you've always--
been here then why am I like this?"

"Because you've pushed me away.
You're strong and stubborn, child.
You are hurting and running from everyone
With good reason, but you need not fear me
I will never hurt you. Come home to me.
Let me heal your brokenness."

"That's just too easy! Too simple!
Life isn't like that! It isn't easy!"

"With me it is.
We'll take it one step at a time.
Every day you'll become stronger.
I'll hold your hand. I'll never leave.

Trust in me..."

"I want to...I want to" she cried.
"Wash those tears away my child.
Tonight you're life starts again.
You're free. Lets walk forward together".





I wrote "No More" after reading a book on the reason people cut. I've never been a cutter myself but I've had many friends who have fallen into this addiction thinking it helps to deal with the pain. I've wanted to understand it deeper so I read a couple stories on it. Cutting is so much more than what we think it is, the world thinks that people who cut are just looking for attention...but they aren't. Their hurting inside, there numb, they WANT to feel again or they need something that hurts more then the emotional pain... a distraction. So they cut! Millions have fallen to this and we just pity them or think..."Wow, she's stupid." but they aren't. They hurt, and the worse thing we could ever do is ignore them...or make fun of them. We should be like Jesus and love them! Help them. Be there for them. Push them through it and give them a new start. So I wrote this poem...I prolly don't have it to a "te" but I tried to understand some of the emotions you guys might be feeling, I'll never truly understand but I get it. So here is to you guys. Know you aren't alone out there. Seek for help. I'm only a phone call away. :)

Love

So I'm laying in bed, and I look out my window to see the beautiful snow that is clinging to the trees. I love this sight, its what I wait for every year....to just lay in bed and marvelous at God's beautiful creation. He's truly amazing and I'm so grateful he's my God. I've started to feel him more and more lately and he's become realer to me if that's even possible but one thing that I've learned this past year is that "God's love never disappoints." and if we are filled with him inside we won't need anything else in this world...I'm sure it would be nice but we wouldn't feel like a broken mess if we had Jesus holding us tight. :)