7:00am

I struggle really bad with anxiety. I worry too much and I don't trust in my heavenly Father enough. I'm working on it but I still struggle a lot. So on those days when I can hardly breathe and nothing seems to work I like to take my camera out and spend a little time with it. This is what I captured this morning at 7:00am

Another Grandma Moment

Last night Grandma heard me from the living room crying in my room. She walked slowly upstairs while saying "Are you crying?" I couldn't respond because I was too caught up in the moment of being disappointed yet again.

I've noticed it's really hard being a Christian in this world. I don't mean Christian as being someone who believed Jesus died on the cross, I mean Christian as being someone who strives every day to know God more and do his will. It's really hard. It's even harder to find someone else who believes as you do. So maybe that's why all my relationships always come to a sudden stop, leaving me discouraged and disappointed once again.

Grandma walked into my room and said "What's wrong?" I choked out "Can you get me the kleenex?" She walked over to the wall, grabbed the box of kleenex and handed it to me. As I wiped my tears she just stood there until I was able to speak. She asked me again what happened and I told her... I said "because I don't believe in sex before marriage another boy decided I wasn't worth it anymore..." She just looked at me and said "Don't you worry... You are beautiful and have a lot to offer.." Then she walked out of my room to let me be alone for awhile.


The rest of the night I thought about what she said and my standards that I have... I thought I could lower my standards... I might have a better shot at keep a relationship going...I considered working even harder at my job so I didn't have to think about any of this, but instead I picked up my bible. I came across a verse in Isaiah 40:29-31 Its an old favorite and I go to it often. It says:

      "He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  

So I decided this was a disappointment but it wasn't a setback. If anything it taught me to stand firm in my beliefs, in the Word and in God. He is my strength. I will not lower my standards, I will not change my beliefs and I won't give up. And you shouldn't either. I hope who ever reads this finds encouragement to be who they are...and stand firm in it. Don't let this world change what you believe because it looks easier on the other side. You just remember when you feel like giving up that You are Beautiful and have a lot to offer. :)

I've lived with my Grandma for almost a whole year now and I'm thankful I was given the opportunity.  She's taught me a lot about life, love and being okay with who I am.

That's just my Grandma

This morning I was walking downstairs to take a shower. When I saw my Grandma laying on the couch. She had her hand over her head and  she looked so sad. I sat down on the floor next to the couch and said "Hi" She barely choked out a hello. You see she's very congested and mornings are really hard. I asked her how she was feeling and she looked me in the face and says..."I'm sick, aren't I?" I replied "Yes, but you're getting better!" she looked away and says, "I'm really old, aren't I?" I smiled and say "Yeah, you are.." then very quickly she places her hand over her mouth, laughed and said "shhh don't tell anyone!" I smiled and say "Seeee you still have your sense of humor!!" and she goes "Well, I have to! You gotta laugh to get through."

Its moments like these that I'm going to remember forever... especially this one. It had brought me back to my teen years. I remember saying the same thing... "You just gotta laugh" When its the only thing left to do, when you're just too worn out. You just gotta laugh.

Growing up I always knew my grandma was tough... I mean she's one stubborn lady. That's how I always saw her until I moved in. It wasn't easy for the first two months and its still not easy but living here has shown me all her negative and positive sides... Yeah she's difficult and doesn't want me to help but she cares so much and I see that every day from her.. I mean I walked into her house a month ago, sobbing my eyes. All because a boy treated me as if I wasn't even human. As soon as she saw my face, her eyes got real big and she goes "What happened?!?!" between sobs I managed to say "a boy broke my heart..." she goes... "oh no.... what's his name?" I looked her straight in the face and told her his name was "Asshole" as I walked away I heard her saying "Asshole? That's a terrible name!" but then she followed me into the kitchen and told me to cheer up! That I should tell that boy thank you! and I kinda just looked at her... and she goes "because he did you a favor! You don't want to be with someone like him and there will be lots of other boys out there for you!" 

My grandma has a fighter's heart. Somehow, someway she'll figure out how to accomplish a mission. That's just who she is... she doesn't give up... doesn't take no for an answer and never stops loving you, even if she doesn't say it to you... her actions will always prove it to you.

In certain ways she inspires me... I wanna have a fighter's heart. I don't ever wanna give up... so next time I feel like it, I'll just think of her and you should too! :) Because there is always a way no matter how worn out and tired you are! even if that way is just laughing because its the only thing left to do. Just do it... because things will get easier...maybe not tomorrow or the next day but over time you'll realize you made it through that difficult time and you're stronger. So have a fighter's heart :)

Valentine's Day

This almost made cry... as of lately I'm just really figuring out how much my Savior loves me and every time I'm shown it and it really hits me I start to tear up. My heavenly father means everything to me and I pray one day you'll feel that too.

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

Day Five

Today has been a little bit harder to smile but my reason is because I was able to spend dinner time at my cousins. I had a blast watching Cliff cook dinner and eating it. :) Cause seriously he's a good cook! :)

Day Four

My reason today is short and simple but means the world to me. I'm able to smile today because God has placed the most amazing, loving, enduring friends in my life. I am blessed.

Day Three

Well my reason to smile has come pretty early today... As I was leaving the gym and heading to my car in the parking lot... its raining and wet and cold... and behind me I hear a voice say "You forgot something." I turned around and there he was... I thought he was busy so that's why I didn't bother to talk to him before I left but he came after me. We stood in the parking lot talking for a bit while the rain came down. Just before we said goodbye he gave me a hug. I hadn't realized how much I needed one until that moment. So that's my reason to smile today... because God knew I needed a hug.

p.s. I know you're gonna ask who this guy is and how I feel about him... but I ain't answering yet cause I haven't figured it all out.

Day Two

This year I feel like there is just so much pain. A lot of people have been sharing their stories with me and it breaks my heart to see such heartache. All week I've been asking myself whats happened to this world and the people who live in it? When did we allow ourselves to be so selfish and mean? I feel like there is so much evil spreading...and it makes me wonder if there even is any good left.

...Today I found some and it made me smile. Today I witness a helper... She was kind and sweet and caring and wanted to protect. It was nice because it reminded me that there is still good out in the world.

Mr. Rogers once said... "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world."

So remember that statement when things look bleak. Look for the helpers because you will find them.

That's my reason to smile. :)

Day One

I've decided to turn my blog into 28 Days of reasons to smile. :) So here I go!

Reason one - Because Jesus loves me even when I can't find a reason to love myself.

How cool is that to know? That He'll love you through anything and everything and always be there! Now that's a reason to smile :)

"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:28-29

My God is Sooo Big!

....such simple words yet so meaningful. My God is sooo big. Yep. He is! He's the perfect heavenly father. I love him so much... I can't even explain it. I wish everyone could know him... I wish people understood how much love he has for all of us. It makes me sad inside but I won't give up. Hopefullly one day the world will see him shining through me and you... and everyone. :)

1/1/13

Today I got a little bit stronger.