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Soooo I just bought a new telephoto lens for my camera and I am sooo excited! This lens will help me take better close up and far away pictures along with making my background blurry. I am super excited! Photography is so much fun and its been a passion for awhile. I'm just glad that I now have time to pursue it. :) I just wish summer time would come back. Summer pictures are wayy cooler than winter ones.

Ohh well. I'm just glad that I have my camera to take me through life.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope it was filled with laughter and fun.
Happy Birthday, Jesus! I'm glad you're my savior.

-ems

Merry Christmas

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

"Taylor the Latte Boy"

This song makes me laugh every time. No joke. Its sooo funny.

Heroes

This poem makes me thankful. It was written by U.S. Marine Lance Corporal James M. Schmidt.

'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney, with presents to give
and to see just who in this home did live.

As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.

With medals and badges, awards of all kind,
a sobering thought soon came to my mind.
For this house was different, unlike any I’d seen.
This was the home of a U.S. Marine.

I’d heard stories about them, I had to see more,
so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene,
Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.
Was this the hero, of whom I’d just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.
I soon understood, this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night,
owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.

Soon around the Nation, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year,
because of Marines like this one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone,
on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,
“Santa, don’t cry, this life is my choice
I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps.”

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep,
I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.

I watched him for hours, so silent and still.
I noticed he shivered from the cold night’s chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.
Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold,
with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.

I didn’t want to leave him so quiet in the night,
this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,
said “Carry on, Santa, it’s Christmas Day, all secure.”
One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.

Holding out for a Hero? I Doubt It...

Ever heard the song Holding Out For A Hero? Of course you have, who hasn't? I found a different version by a new girl... its gentler than the original, all week I've played it over and over until I fall asleep....but I don't think I believe in heroes anymore. They don't exist or at least not for me....and strangely I'm okay with that.

Funny, right? Never thought I'd say I'm okay with being alone but I am. I've just seen too many relationships and marriages in ruins. Too many awful things for me to believe anymore. I've seen too many abusive relationships, too many marriages where people don't love each other anymore...I've watched too many kids lives be messed up because of their parents awful marriage. This world is falling apart and I'm done with it.

I don't believe.

There are no heroes, people aren't good. They're evil. Selfish. Hateful. Spiteful. Liars. Manipulative.

I'm done holding out for a hero... he doesn't exist.

Please, don't tell me Jesus loves me. I know this... but it isn't comforting anymore. It just isn't, not when you've seen everything I have... it just doesn't help anymore.

Speak Out

Domestic Violence doesn't discriminate, but the good news is... We have the power to end it. Speak out.

Being Happy

Is it a state of mind? Can you always chose to be happy and then just be happy or is there more involved?

Someone keeps telling me that you can just chose to be happy and then you're happy but is that really so?

A Little Change

My life needs a change... so I highlighted my hair, cut my bangs, changed backpacks, changed my purse, changed the way I wear my hair and changed a chair in my room. Think that's enough things changed?? haha Probably not, I'm sure I'll get restless again soon. I find this happens to me a lot when I'm on the brink of figuring something out.. but here's the thing, I'm not sure what I'm really trying to figure out... I know there a lot of untied strings in my life right now but they aren't anything that big... so I'm kind of wondering why all this change is needed... but ohhh well. I kind of like it. Change can be good sometimes. :)

Tell me some things that you guys have changed lately. :) No matter how crazy it is, I wanna hear!

p.s. I'll write my next blog on my adventures of photography and how its changed me. :)

Didn't Know it Was Possible

I've run into a funny situation. I've never had a guy in my life besides Jason who has honestly truly treated me like i was fragile. It's weird. I'm so used to guys trying to get my attention by tearing me down or being sarcastic. I'm just not used to sweetness or having a guy ask me how I honestly am feeling. Or EVEN WANTING to KNOW ABOUT MY GOALS.

There is this very kind boy in one of my college classes who used to be sarcastic with me but now he's one of the kindest guys I know. It's hard to take because when he says something I'm so use to having my defensive wall up that sometimes i don't always respond like I should.

This is new to me.

I like it but I miss the battle of wits. Do you think maybe I can find someone with both caring personality and the sarcastic attitude? Guess I gotta keep looking.

Ohhh well. It is nice to be cared about though.

Okay on a funny note....I snorted in English class today :P

God's Grace and Brokenness.

I have a sign hanging in my room. Its beautiful and sad. Its a sign that should remind me of brokenness but every time I look at my beautiful, sad sign it reminds me of God's grace and goodness to me.

People ask me, why I keep it hanging on my wall... they ask if it reminds me of pain but the only response I can think to give them is "Its beautiful" The sign is beautiful, it has such a mystery...and one of my best friends painted it for me. That's why I keep it up. I love the picture. I love it with all my heart and even though it should remind me of the time I was hurt and played it doesn't. If anything it reminds me of how much my heavenly father loves me and cared enough to let me hurt a little to save me from hurting a lot. That's what the sign means to me. Its a beautiful, broken sign that reminds me of God's grace.

....and that's why I leave it hanging on my wall.

His Love for Us

You remember back when we were children... yes I know you remember. Remember when mom used to teach us about Jesus and the bible. Yes? Well remember the story about Jesus dying on the cross so that we could be able to go to heaven... Yes? How often do you think about that? How often do you remember what he did for us...How real is it to you? Because when I was a child... it wasn't very real, but now that I'm growing up I feel that each year with all the different changes and heartbreaks I go through it makes me realize how much harder it was for Jesus to die on the cross... How painful it must have been. I mean, when he died for us, we weren't even grateful. We mocked and spit in his face. How awful is that. He loved us soooo much that he would die for us and we mocked him.

Kinda makes you think, huh?

All I know is that the more I go through in life the more real the Lord's grace he has for me becomes. The more I feel grateful. The more in awe I am of him. I honestly can't say how grateful I am. I wish I could because he deserves it but I can't.

Set Apart...

I just realized... I am soo used to forming myself to what people what that i forgot the big picture. It isn't about them. Its about God and who he wants me to be. Lately I've been learning a lot about setting yourself apart....and I believe i'm finally starting to realize what that means. I have been fighting it for awhile because I honestly like to be loved by everyone but I really only need God's approval.

I'm still learning, and I believe this college experience has really did a number on me but I can see God using it in my life already for his glory.

I wanna be set apart now. I don't want to be what everyone else wants. I'm going to be what God wants.

Sorry for the two updates in one day but I got a little excited. haha Couldn't wait until tomorrow to post this one. :)

The Silent Stories

You know what I'm starting to realize? That there are soo many people out in the world with their own silent story. Some of which are never even told.

People these days are in such a hurry to move forward in life, be bigger and greater that they never stop to listen. To care, or to realize that people are broken.

This past year has really been eye opening because the people all around me who I care for the most all have their silent stories and slowly they've been sharing them. I so wish I could take their pain and carry it for them but I can't. :(

I try to remember every time I hear one of there stories and I ask God why they of all people had to suffer... I try to remember that he's been there with them the whole time. The whole time, he's been there feeling their pain.

I try not to focus too much on the fact that they've been hurt but more on the fact that they have hope That they can heal. That with God's help, they can become whole again.

It just always shocks me, Its always the people you least expect that have been hurt the most in life. Its always the good people who suffer. Its always the ones who try to do the right thing that get crushed, broken, damaged. My heart breaks for them. It isn't fair.

When they're telling me their story I don't know what to say to them. I don't know what to say to take away the pain. The only thing that comes to mind is to tell them that the Lord has always been there right beside them. Has always cared. Has always held them in his hands. Its just hard sometimes, cause those words, in the mist of soo much pain aren't always very comforting.

There is no way we can stop all the pain in this world but we can do our part by being aware that there are people out there that do get raped, do get molested, do get emotional abused, do get beat. They are all around you. You just don't realize it because they have worked to hide their scars.

Watch for these people, observe, and love anyone and everyone who comes into your life, because they are there for a reason and maybe that reason is as simple as showing them love.

Everyone has their story, and no one wants to feel alone.

Homecoming/Formal

Isn't it funny how one little thing can trigger a memory?

Last night I was watching One Tree Hill and the episode that I chose was about the teens of Tree Hill going to homecoming. The whole night was about them getting ready, and finally going, the heartbreaks of the ones not being asked to dance or even bringing a date and also the mess of miscommunication between couples and all of that drama just reminded me of my very first formal and how awful it was. I mean horrible, I came home and cried outside. In the rain. In my dress.

Nobody asked me to dance, nobody even really noticed I was there. The one guy who I had been crushing on for two years who also was one of my very best friend didn't even ask me to dance....although he sure did dance with everyone other girl.

Needless to say, it was a horrible night. But I think everyone needs to have one of those moments... haha as horrible as that sounds, when you go through something like that it really makes you appreciate the other things in life, for which I do.

Formal is not a fond memory but its nice knowing strangely, even if it is from a movie that I'm not the only girl out there who has a dance that totally left her out.

Tough Love

So I was thinking again today while sitting in class and this time it was on the way the teacher of my College 101 class teaches. I don't like it. Is it effective? Yes, but I don't respect her... She reminds me of everyone else in my life who acted like I was stupid, but she doesn't act like I'm the only stupid one in the class....We're all stupid. We all don't care... and today I was sitting in my seat trying my hardest not to smart talk her, I succesed but I was totally ready to high tail it out of there! When I got to get up she calls my name and says she needs to see me before I leave... My mind races.. "Ohhh! Crap, what did I do wrong???" Right that's always the first thing that pops into someone's head when they get called out... I slowly make my way up to the front.

I smile....

She smiles....

and says....

You aren't in any trouble, I just wanted to pull you aside to tell you I recommended you to the leaders to be a "Spartan Team Leader"

Now, this is honestly a really good thing. Its a big compliment.

She then went on to say that she has seen in me a person who is a leader...

My thoughts go a puzzling... and I think "Really? I've B.S.ed my way through this whole class and told you what you wanted to hear.. Yeah you have it right I can be a leader but you HATE ME?!?!?"

Didn't say these thoughts out loud.. but I thanked her and smiled because it really is a great compliment.

As I was walking out, I kind felt like someone just dropped a brick on my head because I honestly believed that my teacher, hated me and thought I was stupid. I took a walk around the campus, and thought through what happened... What I realized was, She's a tough love kind of teacher. Those kinds of teachers are needed but I hate them. That's all I've ever had my whole life and those tough love teachers have made me feel like crap. So I realized that I guess unconsciously I recognized that in her and put up my defense of "I'm not gonna let you get to me" which I didn't.

I'm not saying she's a bad teacher, she's a great teacher but I don't approve of the way she treats people. I never did approve of tough love teachers, more bad comes from that method than good. I will say I'm shocked that she really does like me, I never would have guessed. haha anyways those are my thoughts for the day.

Interesting, eh? :P

Its the Little Things....

That really make all the difference in life.

Its funny how much we let pass us by. We're always rushing, rushing, rushing and we never stop to just feel. Lately I've been rushing, rushing, rushing so that I really couldn't feel but that "rushing" feeling isn't any better. It makes you long for something... something you're missing by rushing.

So today I didn't have much to do...I had time to think which part of me wishes I hadn't decided to do. haha. I also had to go to work. Now, I love work but at times when no one listens to me it gets to be too much, but as I was driving home tonight I realized something...My little girls, as much as they drive me nuts they still love me no matter what and they always tell me.

So what hit me on the way home was that I've been craving someone telling me they love me... and not because its what you say before you go to bed or right before you get off the phone but because its random and they mean it. Its the most comforting thing when you feel a little kid slid their hand into yours and look up to you saying... "I love you Bender" Or make dinner and have them tell you, you're the most amazing cook. so I realized that I've really been needing to hear someone tell me those things, too randomly give me hugs and say nice things and those things are just little things... Little things that reminded me that Its okay.

I know I have tons of people in the world who love me but sometimes we all get caught up in "rushing" that nobody really take the time like children do to tell you what you mean to them. They might say "I love you" or "you're beautiful" but its almost as if those words are on auto pilot or you say them when you know the moment is right... but that isn't what it should be... We should want to say something to someone because its true and they should hear it.

My little girls, drive me inside and make me scream but they also give me love and care for me when they know I need it the most and I'm so thankful for them. God knew I needed them for this stage in life. :)

This little man even though I didn't write about him has always held my heart. He has stopped my tears countless times and has brought me comfort even when he was only 2 months old.

And this little girl, my niece will hold a very, very special place in my heart. Even before I knew her she was making me smile when I needed it the most.

So I'm going to remember that the little things in life, at this moment are the things that really matter. I don't want to be looking into the future thinking "Life will be soo great when this happens" No right now is the time and instead of rushing I'm going to enjoy the little things. Ya' know, we should take a lesson from little kids. They might not have it all figured out but they have one thing and that's love. Carefree love that they're always ready to give.

Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and finally over this weekend the pieces started to fall into place. I've realized I do a lot of changing myself to fit what i believe other people want me to be.That's not good.

I'm done, and I'm also done with avoiding issues.

Anyways those were my mature thoughts for the weekend. Ohhh man, was this weekend crazy though. ;-)

Just Talkin' ya Know

i just like to say... that I do not go looking for guys in dark places. They find me. Thank you very much. I'm just sweet enough to give them a chance. If any of you would like to debate this any father I would love to over email. I know I will though. :)

Sooo, today was a very long day. I failed another test... guess what subject. MATH! yay. I also wanted to drop kick one of my teachers. I'm sorry that you made a mistake and I caught you... Just fix it and I'll be okay....no need to act all proud and such. Grrr proud people make me mad!!!

Alrighty, right about now I'm wishing I had one of those buttons where you can just skip moments, weeks or even months, cause I'd skip this week and the next by...I am really happpy at the moment. Not gonna lie. :)

Hide&Seek

I'm working on homework. Go figure and my mom walks in. Now I had just had a big fight with her so I was expecting her to come in again and lay it on but she didn't. Instead she told me that she thinks.... I'm going to marry a very nice, caring and loving man who will be gentle with me. I kind of looked at her and said ..."okay?" So she goes on..."...but Emily, you have to stop looking for him. He'll find you when you're ready, but you gotta stop looking, because you look in all the wrong places. You like look in dark corners and they always jump out at you and scare you!" My face has gone a puzzling. I'm trying to find the right words to say... but all I can think of is... Hide and seek. rofl

Anyways, i have the cuttes puppy on earth. :)

Alrighty, gonna get back to my homework. Hope you got a good laugh out of my darling Mother's version of how I find guys. haha

A Little Slap in the Face

Im'ma admit it, I've been a super uncontent child lately. Yep. I've been frustrated, and kicking myself, comparing myself to other people and asking God why all my choices have to be so difficult and confusing. He hasn't been answering me. At least not until today he hasn't.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2 Corinthians 12:9

I read this verse just a little bit ago. I can't say how many times I've read this verse and its saved me. I'm weak right now, I have no control over anything besides to do what I know is right. I can't fix anything, I can't make anything happen and that frustrates me to no end because I can be such a control freak. I can't do anything though, I'm weak, I don't have the power to but this verse reminded me that my savior can. His grace is sufficient for me. He'll be my strength, He'll carry me.

So since I have the most amazing Savior out there why am I still acting like a brat. Like what he does for me isn't enough. I think I deserve a spanking because it is and I'm sorry God that I've been acting this way.

You are my hope,joy and my love. You fill me like no one ever can. Without you I am nothing. So Im'am work on being content in every situation that is thrown my way. (Please don't throw too many bad ones.)

Thank you for placing great friends in my life that always try to help me. I really just deserve a slap in the fave but they always say the right things, the things I need to hear at the moment. I'm soo grateful for them all. And thank you Julie for sharing your story today because if i hadn't read it, I'm pretty sure I'd still be beating myself up and angry. haha

God works in such funny ways.

Blunt Friday

I am such a nerd. I set a timer for one hour to study my notes for my test that is coming up tomorrow. I promised myself that if I studied for one hour I could take a small break and write a blog. :P As you can see I totally studied for an hour.

I'm not really sure what to write about, I do have a story to tell. I meant to write it down friday night when it happened but instead of coming home I went to hang out with a reallly really good friend of mine. She totally cheered me up too. :)

Okay, so friday's I'm at school from 10 in the morning til 4 in the afternoon. My first class of the day is College 101 which is pretty much the stupidest class in the world. I paid college money to have them teach me about myself! YAY!!!!! No, not really but I decided that since I have to go that I minus well get my money's worth and have some fun in the class. So I started talking to the guys who I sit next too. We clicked right away and the class started to be more exciting...this was good for me for about 30 minutes until I realized that guy was kind of hitting on me. lol.

I slowed my niceness down a bit but we started talking about different states we've been to and I said I' went to 7 over the summer and he told me he's been to England soo I was impressed and said "No way" a little too loudly. My teacher got a little mad. Now, my teacher acts like we're stupid and childish... so she talks down to us with her worlds. Totally ticks me off because excuse me? I've taken care of 8 people in my life and have run a household when my mother was sick, plus getting my school done. I don't need anyone to talk down to me like I can't handle responsiblity. So she was upsetting me the whole class time... also I had been having a super bad week and i was just frustrated with everything. So she goes "Excuse me? What are you talking about??" and I'm like....what the heck lady you don't scare me. so I told her! but since she's the teacher she has the upper hand and she totally embarrassed the poor kid....I feel horrible cause nothing really happened to me but she told Brandon who was trying to hit on me that he could "impress the young lady later after class" hahhaa like what the heck, are we in highschool again? lol

Class finally ended and he walked me out...and asked where I was going to next and I said I had a break til one. He also had a break til one too and as we were walking he looked at me and goes.. "Wanna go on an adventure?" I smiled and asked where to and he said... To pick up his paycheck, get some food and then we could come back to go to classes. This sound super fun because I really don't want to study but I remembered what I read early in the bible and decided that I 1)wasn't interested in him at all and never would be. 2) I realize that if the person I did like knew I went on a kind of date with a stranger... he prolly wouldn't think I was serious.

So I replied with "Ya know, I was always taught never to get into cars with strangers." (another one of my blunt moments. I guess we were going all out that day) He smiled and said "well its up to you..." so I said "I'll see you next week and I walked away."

Sigh- I did the right thing, but hey, it would have been nice to have some fun. I'm glad I didn't though.

A Cry from a Mocking Bird

Most of the time I'm really honestly very happy, but I have my off days being human and all. I call it the 15% because the 85& of the time I am so thankful and happy I'm doing what I'm doing or that I'm God's child. In fact I am always thankful I am God's child because without him my 15% would be a whole lot bigger!

Right now, I'm going through one of my 15% moments. I've been fighting it for a long time but last night I was too worn out to fight anymore and I went to bed sad and woke up sad. I know I am going to be fine but I just can't help but be sad at the moment. Its just confusing, I don't know what happened and i feel like I lost a friend over it. You always made me smile and I honestly respected the person you were. I don't know what happened, all I know is there is distance between us now and I don't want to keep it up anymore. I just want my friend back. I'm waiting for you. I want you to respond to my texts or want to talk to me. I didn't do anything to you so I don't get it. Its soo frustrating though and it makes me want to stop trying. Stop trying at everything. I wanna just wrap myself up in a blanket and close my eyes tight praying we'd never met or been friends...but I know that isn't the answer. The answer is to keep moving and focus on God. Thank goodness he is my Father, because he never disappoints and I know what is meant to be will always be.

I saw my little niece last night and as I was holding her all I could think was "Please, don't ever grow up". I just wanted to protect her from everything. I never wanted her to hurt. She was so beautiful, so innocent, so pure.

I fell in love with her. She was my sunshine. :) I just don't want her to ever grow up. I don't want the world to leave its mark on her. She's so precious. I love her. I wanna hold her tight and make sure no one ever hurts her.

Its funny cause when I was in SD on the way home all I could think about was this girl I knew. She's 19 and beautiful. She has the most caring heart. Her smile is beautiful and I just want to take her and hide her until someone or I can find her the perfect person. I don't want to see the world ruin her. She's an innocent. She's a mocking bird and I don't ever want the world to touch her.

What I don't understand is why there is so much evil in this world. Why can't people care. Why do they have to be selfish and take. Every time they take you hear the cry of a mocking bird. The innocent. Why can't people just give and not worry about themselves.

The world is just a funny place, the best I can do is try to help.

p.s. I promise I'll keep my distance from you.

I'm not Preaching, Just Thinking

I was reading in the bible today in Proverbs. It was eye opening, well not really it was more like... eye remembering. (I have a lot of those moments.) But as I was reading I started to realize that no guy is ever going to want a girl who is always angry with him because she believes he's being slow or not handling a problem right. No guy is ever going to want a girl who is inpatient and gets into messes because her expectations aren't being met. No!!!! A guy is going to want a girl who loves the Lord with all her heart and will want to please not only him but also God. Another verse that really stuck out to me was Tts 2:4-5

That they may teach the young women to be sober,
to love their husbands, to love their children,
To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good,
obedient to their own husbands,
that the word of God be not blasphemed.

One day, you will find a guy and settle down and even if you don't believe this right now what you do with your time is training you for the future. Every habit you build will stick with you in the future...soo why start bad habits of chasing millions of guys until we find the right one. In this world they move from one crush to the next. "Ohh, that one didn't work out. Lets try a new one."

Noooo!!! Just wait, wait and build good habits you're future husband would be proud of. Stay out of trouble. Stay out of relationships. Just Wait. Like Tts 2:4-5 says, Us women should be sober, loving to our husband. Even though we don't have one right now doesn't mean we can't be loving or obedient. Would he be proud if I or you were with another man right now? Would You be happy if he was with another women right now? NO! of course you wouldn't. So why cause hurt where hurt doesn't need to be caused?

I'm honestly not writing all this to preach. Mostly I'm writing it because I need to do a better job at this. This little blog journal is so that my thoughts can be organized. I just thought that you might like to read also what I've been learning. :)

Soo my advice to myself and also to you if you want it. :P Is get out in the world and don't wait around for some guy to save you... Wait for him but that doesn't mean sit in a chair waiting patiently. Start moving. Do things for the Lord, Start learning, build good habits. Help out in the world and sooner or later some great guy will notice you for the amazing person you are. (Or at least I would hope! If he doesn't, I'll knock some sense into him.) Learn to be everything Tts 2:4-5 says. Because I can promise you it will pay off in the future. And know you aren't alone in learning, waiting, and working on good habits. I'm walking the path right along side of you.

On My Graduation Day?

I have a break between my classes on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s so I find a nice quit place to work on homework. Today I decided to work on my COL 101 homework and one of the assignments was to write a journal entry on an accomplishment that you visualize in the future. My teacher told me to write about the day I graduate from college. I needed to make it a colorful story that really drew a picture of what was happening.

All right, this is a joke. I am sooo sick of doing stupid things that don’t help me in life at all but only give me a good laugh….sooo for my visualization of the exact moment in the future when I experience the accomplishment of graduating I wrote this…..

I am dressed in my long, black robe, my red, black and white tassel hanging from my graduation cap. I can barely contain my excitement as I peek around in my chair to see the thousands of face there that day. I spot my family as they wave to me. I blush and wave back just before I quickly turn back around in my seat. The announcer starts to call names but he is an old fellow and speaks slowly, my mind starts to wander to my plans for the weekend. I'm dreaming about ice cream and no more late nights of studying. I'm thinking about my wedding that I can't wait to plan but than I remember I don't even have a man and all of a sudden I hear my named being screamed at me over and over…"Bender, Bender! MISS BENDER!" I jump in my seat as I realize the announcer is calling my name and the audience roars with laughter. I start my walk up to the front with pink reaching to my ears but a wide smile spreads across my face. This is the moment, I thought! When I reach the stage I shake hands with the college president who is smiling at me. I think “Gosh, that smile looks like someone glued it to her face, its sooo perfect!” than I return her, my big bright smile and take my diploma. The crowd goes wild and I hear a voice scream "That's my girl!" to my horror it was my father and I quickly left the stage, wishing he wouldn't have done that, but nothing could ruin this day because I am a graduate!!! I had finished a chapter in my life.

Awkward Moment

While I was sitting on the couch in Colorado with my sister and brother in law, we got to talking. The tv was on and the weather was burning hott so no one was really moving. We were just sitting there…. And all of a sudden Chris starts making fun of people with different voices. He had us all rolling in laughter with his impression of the news guy talking like a cowboy. Finally I go “Chris, you’re really good at that, so can you tell me how player’s talk?” Chris goes “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You want me to talk like a player?” I replied with my sarcastic normal responses… “That is what I asked you to do…” He gave me a look and goes in a super creepy voice that I don’t even wanna repeat… “Hey little girl, want some candy??” all of a sudden it got really silent and Nina, my sister goes “Chris, that’s a pedophile….”

Twelve Apostle Pauls'

So i'm really suppose to be working on my English homework but this kind of English is wayy more fun. :) Alright, so I have the cutest story to tell you guys but I have changed the names so that the person isn't embarrassed at all. :)

During a bible study I was having with a couple people we were talking about the Apostle Paul. The person who was giving the bible study, who we'll call Mr. Dude asked the question who is the Apostle Paul and what is he like... one of the kids who we'll name Larry, said "Which one?" Now Mr. Dude is super confused and goes..."What do you mean, which one???" All of a sudden I start cracking up because I totally understand what Larry is saying, but Mr. Dude is soo confused and by now the whole group is cracking up besides Larry and Mr. Dude. Sooo as I soo graciously stopped laughing to explain to Larry that their were twelve apostles and one of them who had a big impact was the Apostle Paul. Mr. Dude is still very confused by Larry's response and was getting frustrated but I explained (I'm doing a lot of explaining here. haha) that Larry thought there were twelve apostle Paul's. Finally the whole room started rolling in laughter with the thought of Jesus having twelve apostle Pauls'who followed him around. hahahaha Awkward.

Anyways, I better get going now. I need to finish my homework.

What I Love

I love this time of year. It’s not too cold but not burning hott. I can sit inside in my sweats and t-shirt drinking tea and feeling cozy. That’s what makes me happy. Right now, I’m just sitting in my room with A Fine Frenzy playing, warm tea by my side and life just feels alright even though I know its wayyy out of control but for now I’m putting aside the world and enjoying my cup of tea. ☺

You know what I really, really love and can always make me happy:

Chia Tea
Good Books
Long Walks
Talking with Julie
My Bible
Ice cream
Jeeps
ICE CREAM
Chocolate.
Chick flick
Long letters

Those are just a few, but you get the idea. I could go on and on with things I enjoy but I better not. Don’t want to put you to sleep.

Psalms 62:5

Have you ever had those moments where your whole world was out of your control and nothing you did seemed to go right? Well, I've been stuck in a moment like that lately... but today as I was reading in my bible I came across such a uplifting verse that just reminded me how much my savior loves me and has his hand on me. The verse was found in Psalms 62:5 It says "My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him." The world is always going to disappointment me. Time and time again but in everything God has done for me I've noticed a pattern. Nothing He does ever disappoints me. So today I found hope in knowing, yet again because my brain is sooooo small I tend not to remember, that the only person I need to hope in and won't disappoint me is God and when he says no to something that it really isn't a no but a redirection... that could give me what I asked for but just later on down the road when I'm ready for it. He's pretty good to me. :)

How Deep The Father's Love

This song has always meant so much to me.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will nost boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

I Write

I write for hope. I write for those who have no voice. I write to understand the thoughts I cannot speak. I write because I need to feel. I write for love. I write to laugh. I write for wonder. I write for comfort. I write to smile and I write when all else fails. I write to God. I write for answers, but mainly I write because it is my life.

A Path

So I haven't really told anyone this because the ones I have told before told me I couldn't make it. :/ So I've kept quite of my dream. But now I'm not going to, because I'm excited and no one can tell me I'm not smart enough. I can do all things with God's help and I know he's right here besides me because I never would have chosen this path if I hadn't felt like he was leading me here.

Well here it goes.... So most of you thought i was going to culinary arts school... That's what I told everyone... because I was scared to actually follow my own dream. I thought "hey, I'm good at cooking. It can't be that hard." So I let the devil control me and hold me back because I was scared to try. I went to ECC all ready to sign up for my classes for culinary arts but that week before I had been really thinking a lot on social working/getting a major in psychology. I was praying hard about it but it wasn't til I sat down to enroll in classes that I had decided to really pursue my dream. So I chose courses that were going to allow me to head down the path to help abused teens. This is what I feel God wants me to be doing right now. Even if I don't become a social worker I will still have all the tools I need to be able to help kids all around me. Who knows where it will lead me... only God does. As of right now. I'm content to let him lead me down the path he chose. :)

I hope all is well with you guys.

Change

Summer is coming to an end now and I'm spending the last of my days at my sister's in Colorado. Its been the best summer of my life. Totally life changing and its a summmer I never wanna forget. So I took pictures of every moment that meant something to me. Here are some of them.


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First trip of the summmer was to Hawaii, where i was sick with strep for the first 4 days and was sick with just a normal cold for the rest of the trip but it was still the most amazing vacation I have had.


Kurty decided to walk out in to the middle of the ocean pretty much and kill himself just to get a good picture. Scared me half to death...




This was my trip to chicago with Sarah... we were tanning at the pool while waiting for Clifford to get done with work.


Althought we had to take a small break to go get something to eat. :)


Nick took us out on the bike...


Look at that stud behind me. lol


Sarah getting ready to go out on the bike.


Now I'm in NC with my friend Emily laying on the beach. :)


Angel and the Devil. lol


My best friend.


This one makes me laugh. RIP poor little fishy.


A day with the dead. :)


Baby you're a firework!


Car ride home after being at Cedar Lake. Hahahaha. What a blast.


A night at the movies.

Summer has honestly been amazing and I can't wait to see what else the future brings.

The Good

After work I decided it wasn't time to go home yet so I drove around and parked near a catholic church. I'm not catholic but there is something about churches that make you feel welcome. I sat down on the steps and i called my friend just to chat. It was a really good talk and something I reallly needed. The night was beautiful and I found peace there at church. Just like a church should be. It should be welcoming, loving, caring and trusting. Not judgmental or uncomfortable. A church should be a place where we find Jesus shining through. I wish I had a church to call my own but for now with our home church I am happy and if ever again I need a safe haven I'll return to my place. The place where I can feel safe and at peace with life.

So once i got home I made ice cream cones for my brothers and I and sat down to watch the bachelorette. I'm really into that show even though I TOTALLY don't agree with how they do things. HAHA... but its insightful, interesting and neat to watch. My heart breaks for each and every guy who gets sent home at the end of the night (I know, it should be a guy chasing after the girl) but I feel with every episode I get to know the guy deeper and his personality and it hurts to watch them be broken. :( But I'm impressed with how the girl handles herself. She's respectable, caring and beautiful. Inside and out. She honestly cares about the mans feelings. She doesn't wanna hurt anyone or waste anyones time. She's careful with every word that she says and always finds the best in each and every situation. You never hear a single bad word come out of her mouth. She speaks truth, and lives life with no regret but learning from each mistake. She inspires me to want to try harder in life to find the good in everything. So from now on, I'm gonna start finding good in everyone. :) This will be fun. :)

Only You Can Save

I heard this song just a little bit ago and it was super encouraging and I thought the rest of you might like to read the lyrics too. :)

I saw a man today, his whole world across his back
A living monument opposed to my success
I tried to look into his eyes as he shuffled past my car
Sweat beading on his skin, his clothes and hair a mess

As the light turned green and I pulled away
He slowly disappeared
Just a memory of another chance
I failed to show Your love here

I wanna love because You loved
I wanna give because You gave
I wanna reach my hand out to the lost
'Cause I know Your hand will save

Only You can save
Only You can save

Have to wonder if I really want to know
The struggle and the pain that others feel
Do I want to hear the stories I see echoed in their eyes?
Or is this love I say that I'm reflecting even real?

As the light turns on inside my head
And I slowly disappear
I steel myself 'cause what You call for me
Is to show Your love here

I wanna love because You loved
I wanna give because You gave
I wanna reach my hand out to the lost
'Cause I know Your hand can save

I wanna love just like You loved
I wanna give just like You gave
I wanna reach your hand
'Cause only You can save

Only You can save
Only You can save

(Save)
Just let me be Your hands
(Only You can save)
Let me be Your eyes
(Only you can save)
Help me understand
(Only you can save)
That I'm Your hands and feet
Hidden behind this frail human disguise

I wanna love because You loved
I wanna give because You gave
I wanna reach my hand out to the lost
'Cause I know Your hand will save

The Time is Right Now

I found this on facebook and I really enjoyed watching and I thought some of you might too.

The random bits of Life

My little dog just got fixed and has to walk around the house with a cone on so she won't lick herself. We call it the cone of shame. She isn't happy with us. She says, we took away her right to be a mommy and we didn't even ask her if it was okay. Haha... Honestly though... I feel bad. She seems to sad all the time. :( She has to wear if for two weeks and than hopefully she'll be back to her normal, playful Gracie. :)

So, summer is almost over and it sure has gone by fast but I feel like its been a pretty amazing summer. It will be sad to see it go but I'm excited/scared (hahha) to see what adventure lies ahead. Nothing has ever gone the way I wanted it to go but the way God has chosen for it to go has made me pretty happy so I'm alright with whatever is ahead. (as long as it doesn't include, broken limb or busted skull or stuff like that)

Alright, I'm gonna go finish up some things but someone give me a topic to talk about for my next blog. :)

p.s. my thoughts are all just random bits. Silly me.

Love is not a Fight

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails"

This morning I woke up to read my bible and after reading this verse came to mind. I wasn't even close to reading this verse but the words started playing in my mind. I guess the Lord knew I needed to hear it. So many times I forget what love really should be and I act all selfish but love isn't a fight. It should be patient, kind, not jealous or boastful. It should never be proud and so on. I pray that the Lord can teach me what love really is. I have such a hard time not being jealous and trying to be patient...but love is wanting what's best for the other person. In everything putting them first, just like Jesus did for us.

"Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."

Teach me to love
like you do.
Show me what it means,
to always trust, hope and protect.
Help me to be patient and kind.
Never boasting or rude.
Make my love strong and faithful,
teach it to be giving and never jealous.
Show me to love, like you do.

Let it be for You

You know that feeling when you don't understand why something is happening or you just think life is sooo unfair. I'm sure you do, if you don't, please tell me what you're secret is. haha anyways, I was sitting in the car today thinking about my life at 14 and why some things had to happen, but now when I look back 4 years ago I realize how much God has blessed me. He really has given me more than beyond measure. Each and every day I come to realize how much He loved me during those days and how close he held me to him. It makes me feel like a brat when I look back and was ungrateful for life. He's given me so much and from now on all I want is to give back to him.

On my trip to NC I met a girl named Elizabeth. Sweetest, most bubbly girl you'll meet, but there was something about her that you couldn't help but notice and that was her love for Jesus. You know, you always hear people talk about how they can see his light shining through people but this week was the first time I had ever met someone who really had Jesus shining through them. It was soo inspiring.

"In everything I do and say, let it all be for you."

I know I've made tons of mistakes and I've been selfish but I wanna live for you and shine your light through everything I do and say. I see the road before me, I know it will be rough but I wanna live for you. So in everything I do and say... Let it all be for you.

Today was Great

So today I woke up to a text that was asking if I wanted to help take care of an older lady for the day. I agreed and left shortly after waking... not knowing what to expect.

Lets just say I had a blast. :) We talked, watched TV and joked around... When she was in pain it hurt to watch but I made sure to do what I could for her and she was soo sweet to me. One moment she could have me dying of laughter and the next very sober thinking on what she told me. Its funnny, the one thing about old people is their strength. Watching her go through the pain was rough but she was soo strong and just pushed through, hanging on to her hopes of getting better and being able to walk her dog once again. It reminded me of my Grandpa before he died. He used to talk about all the things he would do once he got better. His dreams were so big even if they were a little late... I think that's inspiring.... the fact that in the mist of so much pain and helplessness they are still able to dream big, hope and be happy. It makes me feel so lame when I complain about still being single or any other petty thing that might drive me insane. So from here on I wanna dream, hope and be happy through anything God brings me through.

Today was a great day... I made a new friend and helped someone... and that's all I've ever wanted to do.

The Little Things

Yesterday afternoon I had this great idea for a new blog and now I have totally forgotten what I even wanted to say... So much for my "great idea!"

They say you learn something new every day. I have to agree. On the way home from the beach today I was reading a book and during one of the chapters it talked about life...and paying attention to the little things. Noticing the small stuff around you and being a apart of the moment instead of living far off somewhere else and missing the moment. You know, life rolls by so fast, its silly of us to live in our daydreams. I'll admit I'm very much guilty of this... its soo easy to get so wrapped up in the silly little daydreams of young girls but when I read that chapter on living in the moment, it really, really, really meant something to me! I have also been hearing a quote for a couple days now by Jim Elliot... I can't remember it word for word but what he meant by it is that when you're doing something...Be all there. Don't be bringing other things with you or distractions. When you're with someone... when you're talking to another person, when you're helping out with dinner or even at the dinner table with family. Be all there. Its something I struggle with but something I know I need to work on.

So from now on...when i'm somewhere I'm all there... I promise to pay attention and not take life for granted. Its already so short.

Signing out -em

p.s. If there is anything I can pray for anyone about...please let me know. xo

Prayer

First Thessalonians 5:17 says "Pray without ceasing." I will admit that I never thought prayer worked...I had my doubts because I believed.... Being the immature girl I was....I believed that the Lord would just answer my prayers like I prayed them. HAHAHA Nope. Instead he answered them in different ways and some he didn't even answer! It took me four years to finally realize this but I understand now and I am so thankful for all the prayers I prayed that weren't answered and every prayer that I prayed that was answered in a different way.

The Lord is good to me....and he knows just what I need.

Prayer does work....and it also draws you closer to the Lord. I was listening on the radio yesterday and the radio guy was speaking about how in a friendship you talk with the person to let them get to know you better and you listen to understand them.... Its the same way with Jesus. In prayer we go to Him. We talk. And He loves it. Then we go to the bible....to listen. To know him better.

Pray from your heart, pray about everything because I know it draws you closer to the Lord. Its doing it for me. So if there is anything, any of you would like me to pray for...let me know. Sometimes it gets old talking about my life. I'd love to go to Him for you. Like so many of my friends have done for me.

-Em

Game Over

Lately I've been starting to see how flawed I am...I can grow, grow, grow and grow yet still see the fact that I'm only human and it amazes me that my heavenly father still loves me so much and smiles down at me when I go "Ohhh, maybe I shouldn't have said that" Haha.

Alright, so one thing that I realized I'm really flawed in is playing games... Yeah I know. Doesn't sound like a big deal.... but right now its bothering me. I see so many other people play mind games...and try to make other people jealous or just try to get information out of people and it kills me. IT DRIVES ME NUTS! but I used to be one of those people. Now I'm gonna change that. Honestly, there is no reason to mess with someones mind. If they want you to know something...they will tell you. If they like you... some how in the future when its God's timing it will work out, and messing with someones mind for fun is just soo uncool. So I'm sorry for any games I have ever played.

Game over.

I'm done.

:)

Anyways, its beautiful outside and I'm inside working on my birthday gift to Sarah. I don't mind much though because its kind of fun. Ohhh did I mention I have the coolest friends on earth? The Lord sure knew what he was doing when he gave them to me. Life would just be soo dull without them.

Alrighty, signing out. -em

Memories to Hold Onto

I have been home one day and already I am extremely bored. I guess it's that whole... going, going, going than STOPPING! but it's nice. I know and God knows I need this break. My trip to South Dakota was both refreshing and highly amusing. My first day there Julie and I sat outside on the swing and watched the storm. It was so amazing and really showed me how amazing our God truly is, after the storm we went back inside to cook and headed off to bed. Alright, so now our week really started. Monday I hung out with Sam all day then when Julie got home we went horseback riding...from 7:00 til 9:15. It was pretty much amazing and nothing could beat it. Tuesday was my day to relax and think through somethings with God. I finished that day feeling at peace with life. That night Julie and I decided to sit out on the roof and look at up the stars. I am still amazed at what God can do...I mean there were millions and millions of stars surrounding us and lighting up the sky with their beauty. Wednesday came rolling right along and I learned to paint a house...It was kind of fun in a way but I got a stinkin' farmers tan which is something that HAS NEVER happened to me EVER! Not okay with that. After painting Julie and I decided we really wanted to be in two places at once so we drove to the border of South Dakota and Nebraska....

(standing in two places at once)



(Standing in two places at once)

But the best part of that day was when Jason asked to take us all out to dinner. We left around 6:30 to eat dinner than afterwards we went off to the Dairy Dock to get ice cream and watch the water. I'd say that night was pretty much perfect. I had my two very best friends of SD and also a brand new one. It was almost like old days when Julie, Jason and I would sit around and talk about life or joke around. The night was really bittersweet because as muuch fun as I did have I remembered that Jas and my friendship isn't the same anymore because he got married but as much as I miss it I'm still happy he found Sam. (She's a gem) Thursday was our very last day to hang out and it was also the hottest day but Julie, Sammy and I decided to go swimming which was so much fun I can't even explain to you. Afterwards we went to the baseball game to watch our team lose but they sure didn't go down without a fight at the end. :) I said my goodbyes and the very next day I attempted to fly home.

I left at 7:30 in the morning to get to my flight that was suppose to leave at 10:12... it was delayed because of bad weather and then when It finally left there wasn't any room...I was totally fine with that...Life was good but finally our next plane came at about 12:00 and we left around 1:30pm. I was getting ready to just fall asleep when the guy across from me started talking to me. He was so sweet and such a gentleman. It was weird because I wasn't used to that. I had part of my guard up but I realized I didn't need it because he wasn't like everyone else. He was confident and polite. In everything he did he made sure I went first or was taken care of and if he happens to read this post I'm glad because he gave me hope for the rest of the world. Its been awhile since a guy was truly nice but it felt good. After our flight landed we send goodbye.

I came home and life went back to how it always is but I'm regretful for life and the chances God gives to me.

Hope you all are doing well.

...and I'll be by your side

I've been trying to figure things out and I haven't been okay with how things have been going... I'll admit I've been angry with God for the first time in my life, I was upset with the fact that He was giving me too much to handle at one time and I couldn't figure out how to place my feet back on the ground. I tried my best not to be angry with Him, but each day I distanced myself from Him more because I truly started to believe that He didn't care.... Big mistake right there. I felt more alone then ever which wasn't what I needed...

My days went on but on June 19th when my family and I headed off to a bible conference, I was in for a surprise. I had no idea what was ahead for me or how God would humble me and remind me again that he was always and is always there right beside me. I was sitting in on one of the bible study meetings at 10:30 and the speaker came up and told us he was going to talk about "suffering" I just laughed....but had no idea that by the second message I would be broken.

The Lord knew what I was struggling with...and he knew I needed to hear the truth without any sugar coded lies. By the second message, I was sitting there trying hard not to cry because I knew I was wrong in blocking the Lord out, I knew it wasn't his fault I was hurting, I knew he loved me and was waiting to help me through the struggle of forgiving and letting go...I knew all that but I was still angry. As the pastor continued to speak the truth, of the words the Lord gave to him to say, the words I needed to hear, they broke down each wall I built up to hold my pain inside.

The last day of the conference that my family attended I found what I was looking for. I found what I had lost and needed the most in life. I sat there and pretty much prayed to God for the first time in a long time...I truly said what was on my heart. I asked him to forgive me for being so angry with him...I asked him to be my strength because I knew I could not get through the bump in the road with out his help. I knew deep down inside I needed his help to go deep back into the past to write the letter of forgiveness and I knew I couldn't do it unless he was right there beside me being my strength the whole way.

You know the bible verse that goes "For my thoughts are not your thoughts. Nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth. So are My ways higher than your ways. And my thoughts than your thoughts. I don't know why bad things happen, but I have to believe that He knows what he is doing and has a purpose through it all. His thoughts are not my thoughts and my ways are certainly not his ways. I trust that the one who loves me enough to to give me life knows what is best....and I've never felt more content or alive in my life.

Speechless?

I hate those moments when you have soo much to write but you feel vulnerable through it all so nothing comes out. So I guess I won't talk but instead I wanna show you guys two of my very best friends. :)



I love this girl soo much...She's my best friend. We do a lot of stupid crap together but some how we always laugh through it all...even if it means embarrassing the crap out of ourselves like the time when it was FREEZING out and we decided to dance on top of a car in a parking lot. That didn't last long. :) I love you.


Julie is pretty much my twin. For some odd reason whatever I've gone through she goes through it after I'm done... and whatever she goes through I go through after she's done...We pull each other through whatever and I know she'll always be there for me. Love you! :)

A Heartbeat

I see you there with pain upon your eyes. You regret that day you took his life away. I know inside if you could rewind the clock, you would but now you are left to heal. I have a story to share, I know it may be hard to hear but bear through because he wanted you know. His story you’ve seen before. It starts like every other one with just a single heartbeat.

With every breath comes a tiny heart beat, with every heartbeat comes another day that child, he lays inside her womb, hoping one day she’ll love him. She makes her choices, walks through those doors to have this deed be done. The Doctor asks her if she’s sure and as she nods a single tear begins to fall. This horrid deed is done. His heart beat slowly dies. He gives up, as tears roll down and he craws back to his fathers arms. Cursing the day he began to hope that he would have a place where he belonged. But then he hears a song of hope that his father begins to sing. The words reach across his soul to heal the broken bit rejection holds.

“River rinses all your shame/Father offers you
His name/Father love prepares a home/Brother
Jesus leads you on/Follow to the place where you
Belong.” (Chris Rice)

The pain resides as he decides, this melody that warms his soul has brought him back to where he belongs. One day they’ll meet and when he sees her step through the gates he’ll run to her with arms wide spread ready to give her all the love his father gave to him.

I know you’re hurting, I can see the pain within your eyes, but don’t be sad. What’s done is done. You’re child would not want to see you this way, he want you to smile and to know he’s safe and waiting for that day when you return to see his bright and smiling face and remind you that all is forgiven.

My Prayer

I wish I could say I wrote this, but I didn't. It's how I feel inside.

My Prayer

Fresh page, new pen
Where do I begin
Words fail, tears come
I need someone
To take the thoughts I almost think
And carry them to God for me

Deep breath, exhale
Breathe in deeper still
Long sigh, I’m still numb
Is there anyone
Who can find the things I’m barely feeling
And give them wings beyond my ceiling?

Right heart, wrong place
It’s too far to outer space
Sorry, I forgot, You’re right here
I cup my hands around Your ear
I feel you smile, You feel my breath
You listen while I whisper non-sense

Simple exchange
Your will, I’m changed
And now my prayer ends
Thank You, Amen

AHHH!

Wow! What a week. I graduated from my very last show in cyt. I'm kind of sad to tell you the truth. I'm gonna miss it, but most of all I'll miss my friends in cyt a lot. :(

Sooo my last week of being a highschooler... yeah I'm stressed....really stressed. I don't know how I'm going to finish I feel like the end is soo near but soo far away and I'm freaking out. Ahhhh! Prayers would be nice and help! lol No honestly SARAH! I'm gonna need your help on my final for my paper cause I'm freaking out over my bio final. Ohh gosh i'm wearing myself out just thinking about it all. I think I should go to bed. I think I'm getting sick anyways....

Confused!

I'm having this dilemma. I need money. I need a job. I also want to travel this summer. I have plans to go to NC, SD, Hawaii and MN. Yes for places. :) I'm super excited but most places don't want to hire someone who's only gonna be working for a month. Pointless right? I thought maybe I'd go back to work for my old boss but I'm kind of feeling like God says not to. I'm sooo confused! I don't know what to do. I want to say yes but I feel like he's saying "No, not this time. You don't need to go back" but how am I going to take care of myself?!?! How am I ever going to do anything this summer?!?! They said they would work around my traveling plans which is great! But I still feel like God is saying no...but then I think what if I'm hearing wrong. UGh! I need perspective...but I have a feeling I'm a little too close to the picture to see it right. :( Life is soo confusing.

On a happier note I'm only 16 days away from finishing highschool! And a couple days away from taking a placement test for college. I'm a little worried since I have to take a math one and I'm not good at math at all. :( Prayers would be nice.

A Thought

I know this is weird but sometimes I do my best thinking while I'm sitting on the toilet. lol Anyways I realized that this year has been prolly the most wearing and stressful but the least emotional....I hardly cry anymore....why? Cause there aren't any guys to tell me I'm not worth the trouble, play with my emotions to boost their ego or decide to sleep with my friend just because I say I won't sleep with them. I haven't had a serious guy in my life since the end of last summer. Do you guys understand how freeing it has been? I'm not a emotional train wreck and I can also live my life. I wanna see if I can make it a year. lol Crazy I know but honestly, i'm young. I'm gonna live life and go to college and just have fun with friends. This year as stressful as its been its shown me a lot! :)

Christ is Risen

I woke up on Easter morning to breakfast cooking but before I got out of bed I remembered this song I had stuck in my head last night and I posted it as my status. The lyrics go as following.....

"Oh death! Where is your sting? Oh hell! Where is your victory? Oh church! Come stand in the light. Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive. Christ is risen from the dead. Trampling over death by death.. Come awake, come awake. Come and rise up from the grave."

I hope ya'll have a wonderful Easter and remember our Lord up in heaven is looking down at us. He is all loving even when we mess up and I know I am forever grateful to him for how he treats me. Happy Easter!

I'm fed Up

I'm so tired... I'm so tired of everything and everyone. I can handle things pretty well but I've had it and all I can think to do it curl up and be left alone with a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Sad that life just goes on and doesn't stop for the tired people. I don't know what it is...I've had a ton of sleep but I'm tired and annoyed. Annoyed with everything and everyone. I'm sick of men who think they honestly are God's gift to the world and treat you like crap. I'm tired of people who think its there business to tell you how to live your life or older people who at every single second of the day have some wise words to share with you. I'm TIRED OF SCHOOL! I'm TIRED of this weather. I'm SICK OF PEOPLE who have opinions and force them unto you... or people who judge you and don't even know you. I don't get where the bible told us to go and judge all of mankind and frown upon them. I've searched the bible far and wide but I still can't find that verse even though like every one seems to have that verse written in their heart. It just all makes me sick inside and on top of that I had to go to cyt today and a certain jerkface decided to treat me like I wasn't even a person and that pissed me off... I don't even know what the heck I ever did to him! Yet, he hates me and has no problem showing it to me and acting like I'm a piece of crap on his shoe. UGH! People just make me soooo mad! Soooo MAD! I can't take it anymore! I'm sooo fed up! SOOO FED UP! Why can't people just mind their own business and only give there opinions when asked for. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE BE NICE!?!? WHY can't guys always act themselves I don't get why we have to act one why then treat the person like they aren't anything of importance. I don't know... I'm just fed up. I need to leave this state and fast!

1,000 Faces

I just heard this video and it made me smile... I hope it does the same for you.

Before I ever knew you
I dreamed of you

You're a stormy night, thunder crashin'
Mystery full of passion
Quiet as a Sunday mornin', shange without any warnin'
Love has a thousand faces
Love has a thousand faces, but I see you

And I see you

I see you

Abortion

I am writing my very last paper for high school on abortion and I found this video. It made me sick to hear half the stuff they were saying. One lady honestly said that she was a doctor and "proud" to perform abortions. What the heck is this world coming to.

“Abortion on demand and without apology”

“I had an abortion a few weeks ago… my insurance actually covered it.”

“It’s not a baby. A baby is a fetus that has been born.”

"Our body, our choice"

"Abortion is health care"

What the hell are they talking about. This is sick and twisted. A Child is a human... from the moment it starts.... They talk about there freakin' rights, what about the baby's rights? What if it was you.... and you're mommy decided to kill you instead of keeping you because she had to pay off her college loans. Abortion is wrong, a child is a child no matter how small or how far along the way it is. Its plain and simple. You have sex, you make a baby, that baby is life and we protect life.

Save A Place for Us

You know, I've been trying to figure out what to write about for awhile now and no words would come to me. I've had a block up for awhile, maybe it's because when I sit down to write all my emotions come out and I just haven't been wanting to feel lately but this past week has taught me a lot of things...Its a been an amazing week and a hard one as well. You know it's funny how everything can be going so well one moment and just one thing can happen and turn your world upside down. I went to bed Thursday night after a great week at Teen pact and on Friday morning I told that an old friend of mine died. He was only a couple years older than I. It shook me, I don't really know how to explain it but I didn't want to think about it. Every status up-date about him made me sad and I tried just to block it out. He was so young, so full of life and I didn't understand why God brought him home. We weren't that close but he was the first person to make me feel welcome at cyt.... the first person there who made me laugh and treated me like I somebody. He had the voice of an angle and worked hard at everything he did. He had Jesus inside of him shining through, blessing those around him and now he's gone. Like that. I don't understand why it happened but I know that Christian Stilwell lived his life to the fullest and took care of the people around him. I wish I could bring him back so that he could laugh again or sing his heart out but I can't. All I can do is pray for the ones he left behind and remember to live every day to the fullest, and say I love you to the ones around you. You'll always be remembered Christian. Save a place for us.

Sometimes it Hurts...

But you just gotta remember God knows best and never wants to see you sad. He wants to see you grow and become you're very best.

Get Back Up

I gotta start all over again....gotta figure it all out once again. Feels like all I've been doing is trippin' over myself but I know you have a reason for it all and in time I'll see that rainbow again. I'm gonna keep moving cause falling behind isn't a choice. You're purpose will be made known some day and I'll understand why you don't want me to work at camp but until then it's nothin but a chin up and making planes once again.

Keep Singing

As I'm laying in bed tonight some of my music comes on and one of the song is called "Keep Singing" Its a beautiful song and very encouraging. Its talks about life and how it can go so wrong but you gotta keep singing you gotta keep praising your name....because thats the only way I find healing and I'm reminded of all the times God has healed me in the past and has lifted me up when no one else could. I'm living because of him and I can believe that he knows best even if I feel like I'm playing "marco polo" lol... He's everything I need and I'll keep singing because he knows best and has never failed me. :) Thank you guys for praying for me and being there when I had a hard time seeing straight. It means a lot to have good friends and I'm very grateful.