A Little Change

My life needs a change... so I highlighted my hair, cut my bangs, changed backpacks, changed my purse, changed the way I wear my hair and changed a chair in my room. Think that's enough things changed?? haha Probably not, I'm sure I'll get restless again soon. I find this happens to me a lot when I'm on the brink of figuring something out.. but here's the thing, I'm not sure what I'm really trying to figure out... I know there a lot of untied strings in my life right now but they aren't anything that big... so I'm kind of wondering why all this change is needed... but ohhh well. I kind of like it. Change can be good sometimes. :)

Tell me some things that you guys have changed lately. :) No matter how crazy it is, I wanna hear!

p.s. I'll write my next blog on my adventures of photography and how its changed me. :)

Didn't Know it Was Possible

I've run into a funny situation. I've never had a guy in my life besides Jason who has honestly truly treated me like i was fragile. It's weird. I'm so used to guys trying to get my attention by tearing me down or being sarcastic. I'm just not used to sweetness or having a guy ask me how I honestly am feeling. Or EVEN WANTING to KNOW ABOUT MY GOALS.

There is this very kind boy in one of my college classes who used to be sarcastic with me but now he's one of the kindest guys I know. It's hard to take because when he says something I'm so use to having my defensive wall up that sometimes i don't always respond like I should.

This is new to me.

I like it but I miss the battle of wits. Do you think maybe I can find someone with both caring personality and the sarcastic attitude? Guess I gotta keep looking.

Ohhh well. It is nice to be cared about though.

Okay on a funny note....I snorted in English class today :P

God's Grace and Brokenness.

I have a sign hanging in my room. Its beautiful and sad. Its a sign that should remind me of brokenness but every time I look at my beautiful, sad sign it reminds me of God's grace and goodness to me.

People ask me, why I keep it hanging on my wall... they ask if it reminds me of pain but the only response I can think to give them is "Its beautiful" The sign is beautiful, it has such a mystery...and one of my best friends painted it for me. That's why I keep it up. I love the picture. I love it with all my heart and even though it should remind me of the time I was hurt and played it doesn't. If anything it reminds me of how much my heavenly father loves me and cared enough to let me hurt a little to save me from hurting a lot. That's what the sign means to me. Its a beautiful, broken sign that reminds me of God's grace.

....and that's why I leave it hanging on my wall.

His Love for Us

You remember back when we were children... yes I know you remember. Remember when mom used to teach us about Jesus and the bible. Yes? Well remember the story about Jesus dying on the cross so that we could be able to go to heaven... Yes? How often do you think about that? How often do you remember what he did for us...How real is it to you? Because when I was a child... it wasn't very real, but now that I'm growing up I feel that each year with all the different changes and heartbreaks I go through it makes me realize how much harder it was for Jesus to die on the cross... How painful it must have been. I mean, when he died for us, we weren't even grateful. We mocked and spit in his face. How awful is that. He loved us soooo much that he would die for us and we mocked him.

Kinda makes you think, huh?

All I know is that the more I go through in life the more real the Lord's grace he has for me becomes. The more I feel grateful. The more in awe I am of him. I honestly can't say how grateful I am. I wish I could because he deserves it but I can't.

Set Apart...

I just realized... I am soo used to forming myself to what people what that i forgot the big picture. It isn't about them. Its about God and who he wants me to be. Lately I've been learning a lot about setting yourself apart....and I believe i'm finally starting to realize what that means. I have been fighting it for awhile because I honestly like to be loved by everyone but I really only need God's approval.

I'm still learning, and I believe this college experience has really did a number on me but I can see God using it in my life already for his glory.

I wanna be set apart now. I don't want to be what everyone else wants. I'm going to be what God wants.

Sorry for the two updates in one day but I got a little excited. haha Couldn't wait until tomorrow to post this one. :)

The Silent Stories

You know what I'm starting to realize? That there are soo many people out in the world with their own silent story. Some of which are never even told.

People these days are in such a hurry to move forward in life, be bigger and greater that they never stop to listen. To care, or to realize that people are broken.

This past year has really been eye opening because the people all around me who I care for the most all have their silent stories and slowly they've been sharing them. I so wish I could take their pain and carry it for them but I can't. :(

I try to remember every time I hear one of there stories and I ask God why they of all people had to suffer... I try to remember that he's been there with them the whole time. The whole time, he's been there feeling their pain.

I try not to focus too much on the fact that they've been hurt but more on the fact that they have hope That they can heal. That with God's help, they can become whole again.

It just always shocks me, Its always the people you least expect that have been hurt the most in life. Its always the good people who suffer. Its always the ones who try to do the right thing that get crushed, broken, damaged. My heart breaks for them. It isn't fair.

When they're telling me their story I don't know what to say to them. I don't know what to say to take away the pain. The only thing that comes to mind is to tell them that the Lord has always been there right beside them. Has always cared. Has always held them in his hands. Its just hard sometimes, cause those words, in the mist of soo much pain aren't always very comforting.

There is no way we can stop all the pain in this world but we can do our part by being aware that there are people out there that do get raped, do get molested, do get emotional abused, do get beat. They are all around you. You just don't realize it because they have worked to hide their scars.

Watch for these people, observe, and love anyone and everyone who comes into your life, because they are there for a reason and maybe that reason is as simple as showing them love.

Everyone has their story, and no one wants to feel alone.

Homecoming/Formal

Isn't it funny how one little thing can trigger a memory?

Last night I was watching One Tree Hill and the episode that I chose was about the teens of Tree Hill going to homecoming. The whole night was about them getting ready, and finally going, the heartbreaks of the ones not being asked to dance or even bringing a date and also the mess of miscommunication between couples and all of that drama just reminded me of my very first formal and how awful it was. I mean horrible, I came home and cried outside. In the rain. In my dress.

Nobody asked me to dance, nobody even really noticed I was there. The one guy who I had been crushing on for two years who also was one of my very best friend didn't even ask me to dance....although he sure did dance with everyone other girl.

Needless to say, it was a horrible night. But I think everyone needs to have one of those moments... haha as horrible as that sounds, when you go through something like that it really makes you appreciate the other things in life, for which I do.

Formal is not a fond memory but its nice knowing strangely, even if it is from a movie that I'm not the only girl out there who has a dance that totally left her out.

Tough Love

So I was thinking again today while sitting in class and this time it was on the way the teacher of my College 101 class teaches. I don't like it. Is it effective? Yes, but I don't respect her... She reminds me of everyone else in my life who acted like I was stupid, but she doesn't act like I'm the only stupid one in the class....We're all stupid. We all don't care... and today I was sitting in my seat trying my hardest not to smart talk her, I succesed but I was totally ready to high tail it out of there! When I got to get up she calls my name and says she needs to see me before I leave... My mind races.. "Ohhh! Crap, what did I do wrong???" Right that's always the first thing that pops into someone's head when they get called out... I slowly make my way up to the front.

I smile....

She smiles....

and says....

You aren't in any trouble, I just wanted to pull you aside to tell you I recommended you to the leaders to be a "Spartan Team Leader"

Now, this is honestly a really good thing. Its a big compliment.

She then went on to say that she has seen in me a person who is a leader...

My thoughts go a puzzling... and I think "Really? I've B.S.ed my way through this whole class and told you what you wanted to hear.. Yeah you have it right I can be a leader but you HATE ME?!?!?"

Didn't say these thoughts out loud.. but I thanked her and smiled because it really is a great compliment.

As I was walking out, I kind felt like someone just dropped a brick on my head because I honestly believed that my teacher, hated me and thought I was stupid. I took a walk around the campus, and thought through what happened... What I realized was, She's a tough love kind of teacher. Those kinds of teachers are needed but I hate them. That's all I've ever had my whole life and those tough love teachers have made me feel like crap. So I realized that I guess unconsciously I recognized that in her and put up my defense of "I'm not gonna let you get to me" which I didn't.

I'm not saying she's a bad teacher, she's a great teacher but I don't approve of the way she treats people. I never did approve of tough love teachers, more bad comes from that method than good. I will say I'm shocked that she really does like me, I never would have guessed. haha anyways those are my thoughts for the day.

Interesting, eh? :P

Its the Little Things....

That really make all the difference in life.

Its funny how much we let pass us by. We're always rushing, rushing, rushing and we never stop to just feel. Lately I've been rushing, rushing, rushing so that I really couldn't feel but that "rushing" feeling isn't any better. It makes you long for something... something you're missing by rushing.

So today I didn't have much to do...I had time to think which part of me wishes I hadn't decided to do. haha. I also had to go to work. Now, I love work but at times when no one listens to me it gets to be too much, but as I was driving home tonight I realized something...My little girls, as much as they drive me nuts they still love me no matter what and they always tell me.

So what hit me on the way home was that I've been craving someone telling me they love me... and not because its what you say before you go to bed or right before you get off the phone but because its random and they mean it. Its the most comforting thing when you feel a little kid slid their hand into yours and look up to you saying... "I love you Bender" Or make dinner and have them tell you, you're the most amazing cook. so I realized that I've really been needing to hear someone tell me those things, too randomly give me hugs and say nice things and those things are just little things... Little things that reminded me that Its okay.

I know I have tons of people in the world who love me but sometimes we all get caught up in "rushing" that nobody really take the time like children do to tell you what you mean to them. They might say "I love you" or "you're beautiful" but its almost as if those words are on auto pilot or you say them when you know the moment is right... but that isn't what it should be... We should want to say something to someone because its true and they should hear it.

My little girls, drive me inside and make me scream but they also give me love and care for me when they know I need it the most and I'm so thankful for them. God knew I needed them for this stage in life. :)

This little man even though I didn't write about him has always held my heart. He has stopped my tears countless times and has brought me comfort even when he was only 2 months old.

And this little girl, my niece will hold a very, very special place in my heart. Even before I knew her she was making me smile when I needed it the most.

So I'm going to remember that the little things in life, at this moment are the things that really matter. I don't want to be looking into the future thinking "Life will be soo great when this happens" No right now is the time and instead of rushing I'm going to enjoy the little things. Ya' know, we should take a lesson from little kids. They might not have it all figured out but they have one thing and that's love. Carefree love that they're always ready to give.

Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and finally over this weekend the pieces started to fall into place. I've realized I do a lot of changing myself to fit what i believe other people want me to be.That's not good.

I'm done, and I'm also done with avoiding issues.

Anyways those were my mature thoughts for the weekend. Ohhh man, was this weekend crazy though. ;-)